St Marvin’s Church Hall, Dorking: Bulletin Board


Dear Parishioner’s,

The hall has seen many faces come and go, thank the lord we managed to persuade “The Kim Jong Ill appreciation society” to give up their vigil. The violence was a little over the top but at least no one was arrested. This Easter we see some new faces using the hall and I hope they will be made as welcome as all our previous residents. Please report abuse of the hall to me.

Rev H. Rancid


6pm to 7pm          The Dorking Crematorium Tap Dancers Club.

7pm to 8pm          Herring Keepers AGM.                                                                               (No pickling please)

8pm to 9pm          The Four Skin Biological Forum.


2pm to 4pm          Dorking Anti Racist workshop.                                                               (No Blacks or Midgets)

4pm to 6pm          Leather Truss collectors Club.                                                                (Slides by Mr Trimbole)


12pm to 2pm        Pubic Wig Weavers General Meeting.

2pm to 6pm          Dorking Sadists Wednesday Club.                                                        (Please keep the noise down)

7pm to 10pm       Gay/Lesbian worm diviners.                                                                     (All welcome. No Trannies)


The hall will be closed to the Parishioners for the Dorking Vicars, Deacons and Vergers orgy please do not ask for admission this is an all ticket event. H.R.



9am to 12pm        Lower Dorking public toilet sitters club.                                               (No old pennies please)        

3pm to 4pm          Box Hill blind unicycle crash and burn team.                                      ( Reg Trollit R.I.P.)

7pm to 9pm          Dorking Little bleeders Heamophiliac club.                                         (Please bring a pint)


7pm to 10pm        Dorking council estate punch up and Disco.


Hall closed for disinfecting and cleaning.

Please make sure you book your place in the hall for next week. If you fail to turn up you will lose your deposit. I will make an exception for the Dorking amnesiac dancing troupe.

Please worship sensibly

Rev. HR

Gary Hoadley



Filed under Humor, Humour, Satire

9 responses to “St Marvin’s Church Hall, Dorking: Bulletin Board

  1. ellierayne


    Liked by 1 person

  2. Dear Rev.,

    I was considering drilling for oil in my back garden the weekend after next, but the weather is looking a trifle iffy – torrential rain and all that. I hear that the hall is ideally situated above a damn fine reserve consisting of a blend of shale oil, 3-in-1 oil and Old Adolf’s Dodgy Fringe Oil; the roof is of course an added benefit, given the weather forecast.

    Could you please provisionally book me in for a couple of hours, while I sink a few exploratory bores?


    Edward J. Fracker

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m afraid Big Gaz is at present lying beaten and chained to a wall in the LOMM Dungeon Of Quiet Contemplation for writing the funniest skit of the week and overshadowing his brothers-in-mirth. I shall pass on your request and ask you most respectfully not to encourage him. Thank you



      • Oh… it’s a skit, is it? A spoof?

        Well, fuck me sideways!

        Could you please do me a favour, and throw a bucket of iced urine over the author as he lies painfully chained to the cell wall? Once he’s awake, please tell him that I found his article to be not in the least funny, as I took it to be a genuine schedule for the church hall.

        I do not like being duped in this way, and will be writing to the Prime Minister, that nice Mr Blair, to tell him exactly what I think of your colleague. Hopefully he will send his friend Mr. Campbell round to have a quiet word or 6,000 with him and get him back on track. Failing that, I shall recommend that the deputy PM be sent round to sit on him.

        Yours in annoyance,



  3. Love it. It reminds me of the two dead boys poem as well as the come before you to stand behind you gag. Thanks, Gary! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Best thing I’ve read in a long. long time Sir.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Just read this again. Even better on second reading – bastard! I feel like the proverbial eunuch at a brothel now!



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