Henry VIII Loses His Head: An everyday story of monastery dissolving folk.

 henry VIII
“Oi! Are you trying to look up my dress?”
The Court Of
King Henry VIII April 1535
Henry is in conversation with his closest confidante, Lord Qualcast Of Flymo, and is clearly not a happy camper
“Right, I want to know who has been at it with my bird”
“But Sire, we not dare interfere with the Queen”.

“Not the Queen you mug, my bit on the side, Jane Seymour”.
“But nought of no one Sire”
“No one Sire”.
“If I find out, any of you mugs, has had a nibble, heads will roll!”.
“Yes Sire, is that all?”
“Yeah, send in my councillor”.

Qualcast leaves, Lord Effingham enters.“Your grace, what bid you will?”

“Your Grace. What bid you will?”

Shut up you pillock, and speak properly”.
“Now then, this bird I’ve been knocking off, is she of noble stock?”
“I’ve not seen under her dress Sire”
“To see is she wears socks”.
“Stock! Is she of noble stock!”
“Oh yes Sire, She comes from the heritage of Edward III”.
“Good, now we need to make plans”.
“Shall I send for the cook?”
“What for?”
“To make the flans”.
“Plans Effingham! Plans”.
“Oh, yes Sire”.
“I’ve got to get rid of the Queen”.
“Is she going off?”
“What do you suggest Effingham?”
“Sire, I cannot harm my Queen”.
“She owes me a few quid”.
“Forget that, what about adultery?”
“He’s a good singer”
“Sir Roger of Daltrey”.
“For fucks sake! Are you mental?”
“No Sire!”
“Then why do you try my patience?”
“It’s tradition Sire”.
“Right, how are we going to get the Queen out the way?”
“Send her on holiday”.
“Nah, too expensive”.
“Have her assassinated Sire”.
“No, too messy”.
“Burn her”.
“Bad for my image”.
“What would your father have done Sire?”
“Given her the chop”.

Both men stand and stare at each other…

“What, poison the gravy?”
“With the chop Sire”.
“No, chop her head off with an axe”.
“Someone’s bound to notice”.
“Notice what?”
“The Queen walking about with no head”.
“She will be dead you twat”.
“So, you are going to kill her as well”.
“What do you think happens when a person loses their head?”
“They don’t need to wear a hat”.
“For fucks sake, who appointed you to my privy council?”
“You did Sire”.
“All we need now, is an excuse to lop her head off”.
“You caught her nicking your money”.
“She’s got more than me mate”.
“Called you a rude name?”.
“Everyone does that”.
“Eating garlic?”
“Trees on what Sire”.
“No, I can have her for treason”.
“For putting trees on what Sire?”
“T.R.E.A.S.O.N, you numb skull”.
“Oh, treason!”
“Yes, I will say she made an attempt on my life”.
“She is your wife Sire”.
“Anne Boleyn, she’s your wife”.
“I know, I’m going to say she made an attempt on my life”.
“Oh, right, will you need me to sign something?”
“Yes, a confession, stating you helped her”.

The rest, as they say, is history. A bit like when West Ham won the FA Cup but not quite so long ago.

Gary Hoadley.

Editor’s note: I thought that crack about West Ham was a bit uncalled for to be honest didn’t you :(.


Filed under Humor, Humour, Spoof

3 responses to “Henry VIII Loses His Head: An everyday story of monastery dissolving folk.

  1. Gary I’m taking all this personally. My worldly belongings are wrapped in a handkerchief attached to a stick; thrust over the shoulder as I head off to Bromley to start a new life under a new railway bridge – I can take no more.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. sozsatire

    Can I just ask who edits his copy? The man is quite clearly a West Ham supporting, big-nobbed, master of his craft!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Lord Effingham sounds as daft as our man Carruthers! 😉 Great post!



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