Tag Archives: Dorking

INCREDIBLE HULK OPENS EXPANDING TROUSER SHOP IN DORKING

hulk with cap

Hundreds of excited comic book enthusiasts flocked to the sleepy backwater of Dorking in Surrey yesterday when it was announced that a gents outfitters, specialising in clothing for the clinically obese, was to be opened by Marvel Comic anti hero, The Incredible Hulk.

The proprietor of the store, “Broad In The Beam,” Mr Ronald Keithley, 59, spoke to local reporters shortly before the arrival of the popular rampaging brute and said.

“This is an absolutely tremendous coup for the business and a real fillip for our little town. I can’t believe The Hulk agreed to come at such short notice to be honest because I know for a fact he had a pretty hectic time of it last week when he spent over 2 hours locked in a grim life or death struggle battling The Submariner 5000 leagues beneath The Atlantic Ocean. Not only that, but he then spent the entire weekend being strafed and bombed by a squadron of F16 fighter jets in the Arizona Desert, so it’s a wonderful gesture on his part and we can’t thank the big fella enough.”

It’s believed that the monosyllabic, green behemoth was swayed into coming when he learned of the new expanding latex trouser range which the shop are hoping to launch in the spring –  presumably so that he’ll be able to invest in a pair himself to save having to continuously fork out for new ones after waking up in an alleyway with ripped clothing as Dr Bruce Banner – his alter-ego,  following a furious battle against The X-Men and/or any number of other comic book heroes with a point to prove.

After cutting the tape and signing autographs for clamouring fans, a BBC man asked the brooding, green monolith how he was enjoying his stay in the UK. This appeared to wrong-foot the towering brute and he snatched a Sky News helicopter from the sky and hurled it to the ground bellowing “Him hurt Hulk!” before bounding back to America in a series of mighty leaps, using United States Navy battleships in The Atlantic as springboards.

DISCLAIMER: No Captain Americas had their credit cards refused during the writing of this piece

Advertisements

3 Comments

Filed under Humor, Humour

DORKING CHURCH HALL: EASTER EVENTS

vicar

Angelically written by Gary “The Redeemer of Romford” Hoadley.

Fiendishly re-hashed and made even funnier by Clivey “The Lucifer of Leytonstone” Dee, 19.

Dear Parishioners,

The hall has seen many faces come and go during the past year, thank the Lord we managed to persuade The Kim Jong Un Appreciation Society to give up their vigil. The violence was a little over the top, but at least no one was arrested. This Easter we see some new faces using the hall and I hope they will be made as welcome as all our previous residents have been. Please report any abuse of the hall to my wife.

Regards

Rev H. Rancid.

Monday.

6pm to 7pm – The Dorking Crematorium Tap Dancers Club. (Please don’t tip your ash on the floor)

7pm to 8pm Herring Keepers AGM. (No pickling please)

8pm to 9pm The Foreskin Biological Forum. (scalpels will be confiscated)

Tuesday.

2pm to 4pm –  Dorking Anti-Racist workshop. (No Midgets)

4pm to 6pm – Leather Truss Collectors Club. (Modelled by Mrs Trimble)

Wednesday

12pm to 2pm – Pubic Wig Weavers General Meeting. (No messing about in the bushes)

2pm to 6pm – Dorking Sadists Wednesday Club. (Please keep the noise down)

7pm to 10pm – Gay/Lesbian worm diviners. (All welcome. No Trannies)

Thursday.

The hall will be closed to the Parishioners for the Dorking Vicars, Deacons and Vergers orgy (please do not ask for admission on the night, this is an all ticket event)

Friday.

9am to 12pm – Lower Dorking public toilet sitters club. (No old pennies please)

3pm to 4pm – Box Hill blind unicycle crash and burn team. (no smoking)

7pm to 9pm – Dorking Little Bleeders Haemophiliac club (Please bring a pint)

Saturday.

7pm to 10pm – Dorking council estate punch up and Disco. (light refreshments, weapons, and hard drugs available at the vicarage)

Sunday.

Hall closed for disinfecting and cleaning.

Please make sure you book your place in the hall for next week. If you fail to turn up you will lose your deposit. I will make an exception for the Dorking Amnesiac Dance Troupe.

Fond Regards

Reverend Harold Rancid (Mrs)

1 Comment

Filed under comedy, Humor, Humour

Dorking Woman Wins World ‘Feeling Cold’ Title For Record 3rd Time

cold bint

A female astronaut pictured keeping out the chill as she orbits the sun with all the windows of her rocket open and with the fire on.

 

Feeling a bit ‘parky’ this morning are we ladies? Are you absolutely ‘chilled to the bone’ despite having cranked up the central heating until your lounge temperature is rivalling that of the inside of an arc welder’s pants as he toils away in the Kalahari desert, dressed in a fur coat and mittens, and while somebody holds a blowtorch to his bottom?

In that case, why not read this goosebump-blitzing little tale? I guarantee you will be burning hot with righteous indignation even before you reach the hilarious ‘clincher’ at the end:

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire#!chilly-filly/c15mk

Disclaimer: No poor, hardworking, married bastard’s gas and electricity bills went through the roof during the writing of this intro…and if you believe that, you’ll believe anything quite frankly.

Clivey.

Leave a comment

Filed under Humor, Humour

BREAKING NEWS: Dorking Woman Has “Lost A Bit Of Weight Since Xmas”

skeleton

Some physicians warn about the dangers of rapid weight loss

 

For this simply shocking tale of one woman’s ‘Battle Of The Bulge, and for even more jaw-droppingly unfunny articles, why not visit:

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire#!lard-farce/c1nxk

I can’t guarantee you’ll lose any inches from that expanding waistline but your will to live is quite another matter.

Clivey

Leave a comment

Filed under Humor, Humour

The Dorking East All Creeds & Faiths Autumn Fair

Denominational Dialogue by Gary Hoadley
Ethnically Clean Editing by Clivey Dee
 
punch and judy
Last years secular, wife beating competition, pictured being won by a bloody foreigner.
Graphic by The Artful Dodger
*************************************************************************
Grand Opening by The Reverend Dicker on Sunday 1 October 2014
 

Diary of Events:

0900hrs: Arabic wife beating for the infidel.
0930hrs: Knock the pork scratching off the Rabbi. (No bricks)
10.00hrs: Dorking Tourettes Choir sing; “Come fly with me, you fuckers”
10.30hrs: Guess the shape of the piss stain on Mr Trimbole’s mattress.
11.00hrs: Avoid the raging bull. (Over 70s only)
11.30hrs: Catholic Priest Fiddler’s Choir sing “Only a Boy”.
12.00hrs: The Islamic State Dramatic Society presents;
“Carry On Don’t Lose Your Head”
1.00hrs: Lunch: (Food prepared by the Ebola Survivors Catering Corp)
2.00hrs: Pavement Spittle Washes Annual Gob Off Competition.
(The use of phlegm is not permitted in this event)
2.30:hrs: Chicken Licking For Beginner with Colonel Saunders.
3.00hrs: Dorking Dyslexic Club read; “The Maiming Of The Shoe” by Winifred Shakespeare.
3.30hrs: Over 80s snail chasing competition.
4.00hrs: Pin the burger on the vegan; (No Anorexics Please)
4.30hrs: Fireworks and bonfire by Dorking Pyromaniacs Society.
5.00hrs: Dorking Fire Brigade Nude Motorcycle Display Team. (Ladies will be searched for cameras and binoculars before this event)
6.00hrs Community Singing And Adulteress Stoning (Please ensure your adulteress is not wearing a crash helmet during this event)

7.00hrs Close

4 Comments

Filed under Humor, Humour, Religion, Satire, Spoof

St Marvin’s Church Hall, Dorking: Bulletin Board

vicar

Dear Parishioner’s,

The hall has seen many faces come and go, thank the lord we managed to persuade “The Kim Jong Ill appreciation society” to give up their vigil. The violence was a little over the top but at least no one was arrested. This Easter we see some new faces using the hall and I hope they will be made as welcome as all our previous residents. Please report abuse of the hall to me.

Rev H. Rancid

Monday:

6pm to 7pm          The Dorking Crematorium Tap Dancers Club.

7pm to 8pm          Herring Keepers AGM.                                                                               (No pickling please)

8pm to 9pm          The Four Skin Biological Forum.

Tuesday:

2pm to 4pm          Dorking Anti Racist workshop.                                                               (No Blacks or Midgets)

4pm to 6pm          Leather Truss collectors Club.                                                                (Slides by Mr Trimbole)

               
Wednesday:

12pm to 2pm        Pubic Wig Weavers General Meeting.

2pm to 6pm          Dorking Sadists Wednesday Club.                                                        (Please keep the noise down)

7pm to 10pm       Gay/Lesbian worm diviners.                                                                     (All welcome. No Trannies)

               
Thursday:

The hall will be closed to the Parishioners for the Dorking Vicars, Deacons and Vergers orgy please do not ask for admission this is an all ticket event. H.R.

 

Friday:

9am to 12pm        Lower Dorking public toilet sitters club.                                               (No old pennies please)        

3pm to 4pm          Box Hill blind unicycle crash and burn team.                                      ( Reg Trollit R.I.P.)

7pm to 9pm          Dorking Little bleeders Heamophiliac club.                                         (Please bring a pint)

               
Saturday:

7pm to 10pm        Dorking council estate punch up and Disco.

Sunday:

Hall closed for disinfecting and cleaning.

Please make sure you book your place in the hall for next week. If you fail to turn up you will lose your deposit. I will make an exception for the Dorking amnesiac dancing troupe.

Please worship sensibly

Rev. HR

Gary Hoadley

9 Comments

Filed under Humor, Humour, Satire