“I’VE NEVER ACTUALLY MURDERED ANYONE”: TRUCK DRIVER’S SHOCK CLAIM

Jack The Tipper? Not in this case it would appear.

The world of road haulage was in shock last night as Ron Sharples, a 67 year old retired lorry driver with over 30 years behind the wheel, revealed, that during his entire career, he has never once brutally murdered a hitch-hiker of either sex.

Sharples, speaking from a secret hideaway at 56 Millbrook Road, Devizes, Wiltshire. DVZ 29B, wept repeatedly as he revealed his shame. “It’s so hard to speak about this, but I just couldn’t go on living this shameful lie a minute longer. For my own sake, and for the sake of all those poor souls that I didn’t hack to death in my cab, before burying their remains in shallow graves in wooded areas just off the A12, I just had to get it off my chest.

“God knows, I tried so hard to fight these terrible impulses to take hitch hikers to the places they wanted to go without making disgustingly inappropriate suggestions and then killing them in cold blood when they didn’t go along with my sick fantasies, but I just couldn’t help myself! I even used to let them change stations on my radio to suit their musical tastes, and on one occasion, even shared my Yorkie with a 16 year old blonde female student, before dropping her off right outside her campus block. I then waited until she’d entered the building to make sure she got in safely. I feel so utterly ashamed!”

Sharples’ wife Ruby, 97, repeatedly broke down as she revealed. “For years I tried to ignore all the signs, and told myself that there must be a perfectly innocent explanation for all the times when I’ve put his clothes in the washing machine and noticed a complete lack of bloodstains or brain tissue from his slaughtered victims, but at the back of my mind I knew there was something terribly wrong, and that there was a possibility that he’d never butchered or even brutally sexually assaulted anyone. How I’m going to break this to our grandchildren I just don’t know”

A spokesperson for the truckers union looked visibly shaken as he issued a statement from Ripper House, the Road Haulage Association’s HQ, last night “I should just like to say that the union completely abhors, and distances itself, from the actions of this one lone maniac. I just hope it doesn’t mar the proud, long-standing tradition of our industry, which down the years can boast some of the most vilified, psychotic, swivel-eyed murderous brutes this great country of ours has ever seen. What Peter Sutcliffe will think when he reads about this I shudder to think”

Detective Inspector Ian Fanshawe of Wiltshire Constabulary issued the following statement: “We became aware of this man’s activities about 12 years ago when a 19 year old Danish exchange student reported that she’d been callously dropped off in the town centre by a lorry driver fitting Sharple’s description, and that during the journey he’d subjected her to a sickening 3 hour long ordeal, during which he asked about her studies, and whether it was always dark for 6 months of the year in Copenhagen. I can only apologise to the public and to offer our deepest sympathy to all those unfortunate young people that he has left completely unscathed down the years”

It’s understood that Sharples now plans to leave the UK, and will be given the opportunity to begin a new life in an undisclosed safe house, at Flat 3B Rua Dos Ingleses, Lisboa, Portugal

Prolific WordPress Comments Writer Found Slain In Apartment

“GREAT POST!” Miss Bergman pictured getting on people’s nerves in happier times

A 46 year old single female, described as a “serial blog commentator”, was discovered dead in her East London flat last night. Initial reports claim that she had been shot, stabbed, poisoned, electrocuted, hanged and beaten over the head with a heavy object. Police on the scene also revealed that a huge iron weight with “1 TON” painted on the side had been dropped on top of the body.

Det Inspector Jock Birch, of The Metropolitan Police, told reporters “It looks like this poor woman may have made one comment too many. It certainly looks like there were a number of perpetrators and we have to consider the possibility that they jointly conspired to put an end to this lady’s constant stream of banal wittering on their WordPress blogs”

The deceased woman was named as Martha Bergman, unemployed, from Spitalfields East London.

A neighbour of the woman told us last night “She was a bit of a recluse to be honest. She’d stay in her flat for days on end, just commenting on people’s blogs from dawn till dusk, although I’d occasionally see her going out to get a few groceries at weekends. She would always have a tablet in her hand and be tapping away on the keyboard as she walked along. She told me once that she took it everywhere, even to the lavatory, in case one of the blogs she followed made a post that she could comment on. She did have a boyfriend a few years ago but it only lasted a couple of weeks. He told me that she made him tape a smart phone to his forehead so she could comment on WordPress while they had sex. She followed over 10,000 blogs apparently, some of them were in foreign languages too.”

We managed to contact the author of one of the blogs targeted by Mrs Bergman last night. Clivey Dee, 21, the publisher of the popular Soz Satire blog and occasional contributor to, the not so popular,  League Of Mental Men, told us

“Dead you say? Oh dear, how sad, never mind. I suppose I’ll just have to get used to being left in peace to write and publish my shit without this bastard woman making inane, unfunny, and teeth-jarringly irritating remarks, seemingly two seconds after a piece of copy has gone up on the poxy reader”

One of the people police are interested in contacting is Gary Hoadley, 97, of West Sussex, a former career criminal and now a student of quantum physics at Sussex University. We managed to track him down to his smallholding near Worthing where he told us, with what appeared to be enormous glee, “No comments. No more fucking comments!” before slamming the door in our faces.

This latest blog-related incident comes just two weeks after an elderly male blogger from the same area was attacked with an iron bar in the street by an unknown assailant. Police believe he may have upset a bereaved family by making the comment “Great Post!” in their blog tribute to their dead 93 year old mother.

Clivey

 

How To Avoid Murdering Your Girlfriend: A Gentleman’s Guide

1 – When discharging a firearm always ask your girlfriend to stand directly behind you

2 – If you suspect there may be an armed intruder in the bathroom, always knock first just to make sure it’s not your girlfriend before opening fire.

3 – Dont accompany your girlfriend on shopping trips for clothes, this particularly applies to the purchasing of female footwear. In the event this proves unavoidable, nod approvingly whenever shown an item of apparel, preferably accompanying this disingenuous act with platitudes such as: “That colour really suits you darling” or even better, “Blimey your arse looks almost miniscule in that one love!”

4 – Dont allow your girlfriend to map read during car journeys no matter how uncomplicated the route.

5 – Following a marathon, stamina sapping bout of lovemaking lasting a full 5 minutes or thereabouts, try not to take it the wrong way when she says “Was that it?”, or even worse, “Have you started yet?”

6 – Completely avoid the company of your girlfriend for a few days each calendar month.

7 – When going out on a date always ensure you turn up at least 2 hours late so that she’ll be “almost ready”

8 – Dont ask your girlfriend for her opinion of your mum.

9 – If you intend to break the speed limit in your car, bind and gag your girlfriend and lock her securely in the boot.

10 –  Lock your girlfriend in the bathroom during all televised sport. This will eradicate the urge to discharge a firearm at her when she begins tutting, coughing noisily, hoovering or walking in front of the screen during the taking of an injury time penalty. However, remember that she’s in the bathroom when you go for a much-needed whizz after full time. Under no circumstances mistake her for an intruder and shoot her through the door.

The above tips were brought to you courtesy of The Oscar Pistorius Advisory Council.

CD

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire