Prolific WordPress Comments Writer Found Slain In Apartment

ugly woman

“GREAT POST!” Miss Bergman pictured getting on people’s nerves in happier times

A 46 year old single female, described as a “serial blog commentator”, was discovered dead in her East London flat last night. Initial reports claim that she had been shot, stabbed, poisoned, electrocuted, hanged and beaten over the head with a heavy object. Police on the scene also revealed that a huge iron weight with “1 TON” painted on the side had been dropped on top of the body.

Det Inspector Jock Birch, of The Metropolitan Police, told reporters “It looks like this poor woman may have made one comment too many. It certainly looks like there were a number of perpetrators and we have to consider the possibility that they jointly conspired to put an end to this lady’s constant stream of banal wittering on their WordPress blogs”

The deceased woman was named as Martha Bergman, unemployed, from Spitalfields East London.

A neighbour of the woman told us last night “She was a bit of a recluse to be honest. She’d stay in her flat for days on end, just commenting on people’s blogs from dawn till dusk, although I’d occasionally see her going out to get a few groceries at weekends. She would always have a tablet in her hand and be tapping away on the keyboard as she walked along. She told me once that she took it everywhere, even to the lavatory, in case one of the blogs she followed made a post that she could comment on. She did have a boyfriend a few years ago but it only lasted a couple of weeks. He told me that she made him tape a smart phone to his forehead so she could comment on WordPress while they had sex. She followed over 10,000 blogs apparently, some of them were in foreign languages too.”

We managed to contact the author of one of the blogs targeted by Mrs Bergman last night. Clivey Dee, 21, the publisher of the popular Soz Satire blog and occasional contributor to, the not so popular,  League Of Mental Men, told us

“Dead you say? Oh dear, how sad, never mind. I suppose I’ll just have to get used to being left in peace to write and publish my shit without this bastard woman making inane, unfunny, and teeth-jarringly irritating remarks, seemingly two seconds after a piece of copy has gone up on the poxy reader”

One of the people police are interested in contacting is Gary Hoadley, 97, of West Sussex, a former career criminal and now a student of quantum physics at Sussex University. We managed to track him down to his smallholding near Worthing where he told us, with what appeared to be enormous glee, “No comments. No more fucking comments!” before slamming the door in our faces.

This latest blog-related incident comes just two weeks after an elderly male blogger from the same area was attacked with an iron bar in the street by an unknown assailant. Police believe he may have upset a bereaved family by making the comment “Great Post!” in their blog tribute to their dead 93 year old mother.

Clivey

 

Advertisements

37 Comments

Filed under Satire

37 responses to “Prolific WordPress Comments Writer Found Slain In Apartment

  1. sozsatire

    GREAT POST!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. sozsatire

    Albeit way too long! Tsk

    Liked by 1 person

  3. A ‘Great post’ Lionel…….probably the ‘greatest post’ ever written so ‘great’ is this ‘great post.’

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Reblogged this on mikesteeden and commented:
    What a truly ‘great post’ from Lord Daniel Soz 7th Earl of Whitechapel.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. sozsatire

    GREAT REBLOG! I’m going to irritate the hell out of every last man and woman jack of LOMM devotees by making lame, fawning comments on their blogs on the strength of this accolade! HUZZAH!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. garyhoadley

    I was in me garden shed all night you dirty rozzers! And I can prove it.
    The bloke next door was making a quantum physics model and I helped him place it on a map of Florida!…Ma!…Ma!…Can yu hear me Ma!…They are trying to steal yu little boy away Ma…What’s that?…Kill again?…But Ma, you said she was the last blogger…Oh, alright, if it makes you happy Ma…

    Liked by 3 people

  7. Pierre Lagacé

    May she rests in peace.

    I truly feel sorry for Miss Bergman.
    She was just a lonely person after all, wanting to reach out there and make people happy with her heartfelt comments.

    I hope they catch the murderer… or the murderess.
    Please keep us informed sozsatire.

    Footnote
    Commenting on blogs is just as addictive as blogging.

    Liked by 4 people

  8. “with “1 TON” painted on the side…” It’s the attention to detail, my friend. Nicely done.

    Liked by 3 people

  9. needless to say, no comment

    Like

  10. Have you considered using evening primrose, Cliveypops? 😛 xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I am coming dangerously close to suffering the same fate. As a matter of fact…Martha Bergman, Marissa Bergen…was the aimed at me??

    Liked by 1 person

    • garyhoadley

      Why would you think that Marissa? You a valued member of LOMM.
      Just because you have a similar name…Wait a minute…Right! own up, who used Marissa’s surname without putting her in the basement first?!

      Liked by 1 person

      • I’ll have you know,in the short time that has passed since first reading this post, I have become very self conscious about my (what you might call) over-commenting and may need to seek mental counseling to make up for the trauma this is causing. Legal actions soon to follow…

        Liked by 2 people

    • sozsatire

      May the wrath of Jehovah strike me down where I stand if that’s the case Marvin!!
      In point of fact it was all Gaz’s fault. He’s currently studying a book on quantum physics by a bloke called Ernst Von Bergman and his nan owns a rock python named Martha. So hey presto!
      So kindly address any further comments to him directly if you’d be so kind. He thrives on em, trust me!!!

      Liked by 1 person

      • garyhoadley

        He’s right Marissa. My Nan said now she’s hung her boxing gloves up, I should start studying Quantum Physics. And then she goes out and buys a Rock Python which confused me so much, I mistook your name for the name of Ernst Von Bergman…Are you related? Anyway, last Tuesday, I was reading and a spirit came to me and said; “You must not use the name Bergman for thou will be sorely smitten with a thing that can really hurt” So I thought, I better not use your name. Anyway, in the morning, the cat knocked over me milk and me Nan left her teeth in the bathroom so the postman refused to say good morning and that, is how your name got put in the story…I think…

        Liked by 1 person

      • I just don’t know who to believe here. This is all very suspicious on top of the fact that I never know when you satirical guys are kidding. Besides, who the hell is Gaz?? There’s like 8 million of you mental men and not a sane one in the bunch!

        Liked by 2 people

  12. That´s funny! GREAT POST!

    Like

  13. “A 46 year old single female, described as a “serial blog commentator”, was discovered dead in her East London flat last night. Initial reports claim that she had been shot, stabbed, poisoned, electrocuted, hanged and beaten over the head with a heavy object. Police on the scene also revealed that a huge iron weight with “1 TON” painted on the side had been dropped on top of the body.”

    Clivey,
    Ever think about counseling?
    Hahahah
    Great Post Friend!

    Like

  14. Mr. Clivey,
    I’m glad you clarified the cause of Miss Bergman’s demise. Those of us who lived on her street down here in East London were all speculating when we heard that she was decapitated after she was choked. The only thing I question is, what’s wrong with blogging during sex? Everyone loves feedback. GREAT POST!

    Like

  15. sozsatire

    I tried blogging during sex once. It was ok up to a point but I kept dropping my dirty magazine 😦

    Like

PLEASE BE GENTLE. WE SATIRISTS CAN DISH IT OUT BUT WE CAN'T TAKE IT.

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s