How To Avoid Murdering Your Girlfriend: A Gentleman’s Guide

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1 – When discharging a firearm always ask your girlfriend to stand directly behind you

2 – If you suspect there may be an armed intruder in the bathroom, always knock first just to make sure it’s not your girlfriend before opening fire.

3 – Dont accompany your girlfriend on shopping trips for clothes, this particularly applies to the purchasing of female footwear. In the event this proves unavoidable, nod approvingly whenever shown an item of apparel, preferably accompanying this disingenuous act with platitudes such as: “That colour really suits you darling” or even better, “Blimey your arse looks almost miniscule in that one love!”

4 – Dont allow your girlfriend to map read during car journeys no matter how uncomplicated the route.

5 – Following a marathon, stamina sapping bout of lovemaking lasting a full 5 minutes or thereabouts, try not to take it the wrong way when she says “Was that it?”, or even worse, “Have you started yet?”

6 – Completely avoid the company of your girlfriend for a few days each calendar month.

7 – When going out on a date always ensure you turn up at least 2 hours late so that she’ll be “almost ready”

8 – Dont ask your girlfriend for her opinion of your mum.

9 – If you intend to break the speed limit in your car, bind and gag your girlfriend and lock her securely in the boot.

10 –  Lock your girlfriend in the bathroom during all televised sport. This will eradicate the urge to discharge a firearm at her when she begins tutting, coughing noisily, hoovering or walking in front of the screen during the taking of an injury time penalty. However, remember that she’s in the bathroom when you go for a much-needed whizz after full time. Under no circumstances mistake her for an intruder and shoot her through the door.

The above tips were brought to you courtesy of The Oscar Pistorius Advisory Council.

CD

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

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21 Comments

Filed under Humor, Humour, Satire

21 responses to “How To Avoid Murdering Your Girlfriend: A Gentleman’s Guide

  1. Liz

    I’m in total agreement. But at some point, don’t you have to account for the fact that you have to ATTACH your lower legs? WHILE discharging your firearm? AND wouldn’t it be helpful to NOT vomit, cry and wail, while testifying?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. garyhoadley

    Reblogged this on scrambled head.

    Like

  3. garyhoadley

    I am getting very annoyed at the way they keep using the word; “And”.
    Carpet Head
    Ward 6
    HMP Broadmoor.

    Like

  4. Very snarky – I like it!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • leagueofmentalmen

      Snarky eh Jenni? Surely there can be no greater accolade. I’ll chalk that up as one of the very few things I have never been dubbed 😉

      Oh and thanks 🙂

      CD

      Liked by 1 person

  5. garyhoadley

    I can think of other names for you Clive…

    Like

  6. Very clever, but now do us ladies get a post of how to avoid murdering the men? 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  7. chinahand11

    Goodness so funny. Great post, great advice. Perhaps I should store my Glock elsewhere besides under the pillow.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. garyhoadley

    Go for it Rachel…I’m waiting…*Taps foot*

    Liked by 1 person

    • A Guide for the Ladies: How To Avoid Killing Your Brand New Husband
      1-Don’t marry anyone who will take you to a National Park for your honeymoon.
      2-While honeymooning, avoid steep cliffs and narrow ledges.
      3-If at any time, the bum turns his back to you, stick your hands deep in your pockets and keep them there.
      4-If you have doubts about your recent nuptials, keep them to yourself or call your mum to discuss them.
      5-Before your hike, sew Velcro to the back of his jacket as well as to the palms of your gloves, so that if you are tempted to push him, you know you will go down as well.
      *.*.*
      But If You Do Happen To Kill Him…
      1-Be sure to email your husband’s boss from his account, letting the employer know he quit his job.
      2-Bring Silly String to cover security cameras before you enter a public place together.
      3-Do not falsify emails from his friends telling you that your husband is dead.
      4-Be sure to cry a lot and call your mother-in-law frequently to see if she’s heard from him.
      5-Never, ever tell a friend, “If you don’t hear from us by tomorrow, know that something must have happened.”
      *.*.*
      Ladies, instead of getting hastily married, your best bet is to go hang around outside The Pudding Basin Barber of Stepney and wait for some handsome chap with a fresh, new coiffure to exit and see if he is up for a romp. If he happens to marry you and you have doubts soon thereafter, if you do happen to accidentally push him, you can quickly grab him by the roots of his hair and save yourself a lifetime in prison.
      Newlywed Tips Courtesy of the Journal of Jordan Linn Graham, page 8.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, I’ll need 10,000 clams – I’m on my way to the island adjacent to yours and Mike’s. The men there wear only loincloths and smiles and the man:woman ratio is 17:1.

      Like

PLEASE BE GENTLE. WE SATIRISTS CAN DISH IT OUT BUT WE CAN'T TAKE IT.

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