“Brace yerself Sheila, I’m coming in mate!”
Australian police were on full alert last night as news broke that a 35 year old Sidney man may have attempted to stimulate his girlfriend sexually prior to intercourse. The 33 year old woman concerned is believed to be in a shocked and distressed condition and was being cared for by relatives last night.
A spokesman for the Sidney Police Department spoke briefly to reporters last night. “A 33 year old female has reported to us that a male Sidney resident attempted to commit an unselfish sexual act with her prior to consensual sex taking place. We are taking this matter extremely seriously and we urge women in the area to be extra vigilant and to alert police immediately if approached by this man. We also appeal to other women to come forward if they have ever experienced wonderfully pleasurable or deeply satisfying sex at the hands of this individual”
The man is described as being 6′ 2″ in height, of medium build with dark wavy hair and blue eyes. Police suspect he may be carrying a bunch of flowers and be displaying, what they describe as, “a friendly, affectionate and caring disposition”
A forensic team entered the man’s apartment late last night and emerged carrying a number of items which reportedly included a collection of romantic poems, a box of heart-shaped chocolates and a number of books on the female orgasm.
This latest news will shock the entire nation, still struggling to come to terms with the case of the Melbourne man who was caged for 12 years last month for taking his socks off prior to making love to his fiancée during a romantic, two week break in Bali.
Clivey.
For more deeply unfunny material of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire I mean to say, strewth, fair go mate!
I can see the need for deep concern, what if this spread to other Australian males??? A culture shock of epic proportions is likely to ensue.
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The red-blooded Antipodean male is living in extremely worrying times for sure. A mate of mine rang me earlier from Perth, and to paraphrase his reaction to this latest incident he spluttered “Stone the bloody crows mate! The bastards will be expecting us to share our tinnies with the bloody Abbos next!”
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The temperature if this situation had risen, Perth!? I do hope the Prime Minister has made a definitive statement!
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I’m sure he will if he’s promised to. I mean it stands to reason doesn’t it?
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magic!
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Agreed! 🙂
CD
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What’s the world coming to? Before you know it, the men will be venturing into the kitchen to help out and even volunteering to clean up after themselves! This sort of stuff needs nipping in the bud, I tell ya!
Another great skit from my favourite satirist. x
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And you’re my favourite lady who makes stuff with pretty ribbons and suchlike Touch 🙂
I’m not gay you know! 😦
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You keep telling yourself that! 😉 😛
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Reblogged this on mikesteeden and commented:
This reblog is born of my pathetic envy. I am one of the trinity of writers writing for the League of Mental Men. However, our prime mover Danny Soz penned this one – the bastard! A classic example of how satire should be written – hence my envy!
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So it was a kind of “pen envy” you had going on then Mike? Different I’ll give you that mate 😉
Thanks for that by the way old horse. Mucho appreciado amigo 🙂
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It was one of those posts whereby I mumbled the ‘c’ word – in a nice way I stress – simply because it was an absolute blinder written in a sublime style that is beyond my own capabilities!
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Suspect he was Irish, we claim anyone who does good or achieves greatness.
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Begob and begorrah Maria! It must be somethin’ in the black stuff, so it must! 😀
I actually fell in love with a beautiful, raven-haired gyspy girl from County Leitrim you know? Mind you, she was born in Yorkshire. 🙂
CD
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My thoughts are with the women of Australia at this difficult time…
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My thoughts are constantly with them too Lydia. Especially the beach volley ball team 🙂
CD
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This was a gem. Excellent satire. Thank God it’s just fiction. If any man anywhere actually did anything like this, and women heard about, the rest of us would be f**ked.
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Or not, as the case may be. 😉
CD
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What can you do? Some guys just want to get their fingers into everything.
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Apart from those industrial sheet metal presses you may well be right 🙂
CD
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Of course when there’s confusion between a sheet metal press and a woman some serious counseling is indicated.
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