The Justice League Of Complimentary Men

“Well we wouldn’t fancy tangling with ’em I don’t mind telling yers!”

The Justice League Of Complimentary Men are a disparate band of mutant humorists, hideously deformed, but endowed with superhuman powers after being exposed to harmful gamma rays during a salon tanning session in Shoreditch, East London. Since that fateful day, this intrepid bunch of outcasts have vowed to flood the world of WordPress with totally fake, sycophantic praise and undeserved plaudits until no blogger, no matter how fucking useless and inept, remains un-bullshitted.

I give you then my friends: The Justice League Of Complimentary Men:

Clivey Dee, 19. aka Captain Crawlarse

Despite his tender years (he’s 19 incidentally), Captain C has led his valiant team of bullshit artists to some of their greatest ever disingenuous acts of crawling. His powers of sycophancy can only be described as indefatigable, and it is said that he once duped over 1000 bloggers into thinking that their diabolical, ill-conceived output was halfway decent in just under 24 hours. He has been known to follow and fawn  over 2000 decidedly average blogs in a single 2 hour period, many of which were in foreign languages and totally indecipherable to him. He is notorious for his love of reciprocal comments and has been known to masturbate furiously while reading them. A delusional fuckwit, he laughably believes his online magazine, Soz Satire, is actually funny and that people occasionally read it, despite it’s appalling stats and hate-filled, condemnatory feedback. Also runs a seedy rub ‘n’ tug parlour in The Philippines.

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Inchcock aka The Incredible Fawning Fuck

 

A towering, raging, green-skinned brute, whose ability to cower members of the WordPress Family into believing that their utterly inane blog is on a par with a Johnathon Swift essay, is legend. It is said that he once crossed the Arizona Desert in 7 mighty bounds before bludgeoning Mike Steeden into believing that his latest 300,000 word tale of women with no clothes on was shit hot copy and ‘just the thing’ while he was being raked with machine gun fire from USAF fighter planes. Now retired, he lives in Camberwell, South London where he runs a small shop selling articles of torn clothing.

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Mike Steeden aka The Toady

A misshapen, lumpen grotesque, he has the power to remain sleepless for months at a time as he grovels mercilessly to literally thousands of rancid bloggers, utterly convincing each one of their literary brilliance. In the now infamous “Night Of A Thousand Likes” he fawned over so many below average pieces of writing, he was found in the morning slumped over his keyboard by his brute-like wife, Shirlzilla, who had to revive him by pushing rolled up copies of laughable pieces of poetry into his bottom. His own work is notorious for being epic in length (The title alone can sometimes contain over 2000 words) and for featuring women with no clothes on as the accompanying pic. Now lives in Rochdale, Lancashire with his wife, 12 lions, and his gold plated Groveller Of The Month Award.

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Gary Hoadley aka Sycophantia

The only female member of the JLOCM, and yet arguably, the most fearsome. Standing at well over 3 feet 7 inches tall, “Sicko”, as she is known by friend and foe alike, is a veritable demon of toadying and bullshit. She once achieved the almost unbelievable feat of adding a breathtaking two hundred plus followers in under an hour by writing such indescribable plaudit-riddled bullshit and lying old guff on the Chinese section of WordPress, she was given an honorary place on the politburo in Beijing. She is also infamous for using her feminine charms to her advantage and is rumoured to be able to shout the words “Great Post!” using just her cavernous vagina. Now lives in The Weary Pussy Hostel For Retired Super Villains Of Ill Repute.

Lenny Van Ree aka The Sub/Dom Mariner

The underwater representative of The League, he has the ability to simultaneously breathe and talk through his arseole at the same time, even when submerged under 10,000 leagues of ocean. Feared for his waterproof laptop and crass disregard for anything approaching honesty or integrity, this duplicitous denizen of the deep has no qualms about giving bloggers who can barely walk and rub their tummies at the same time, a veritable torrent of grovelling, insincere acclaim while gorging himself on plankton and sea cucumbers in his watery lair deep beneath the Sargasso Sea. Now missing believed drowned

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Gary Moore aka The Silver Suck-Ass.

Despite being just 3″ tall, this complete lying bastard and glib tongued pussy magnet, once convinced a wide-eyed 19 year-old blonde with massive tits that her utterly clueless piece on the mating behaviour of bunny rabbits in one of the more remote areas of Borneo was on an equal footing with Darwin’s letter to The National Geographical Society. When not slavering over his latest female conquest, this diminutive fucker can often be found scuttling along bartops in East London pubs, drinking the last dregs out of people’s pints and asking them if their wives enjoy photography. He was once involved in a grim life or death struggle with Sycophantia outside a public house in Fulham, West London, which led to him giving birth to their first child. Now lives in East Berlin, where he divides his time between masturbating over back issues of the Radio Times and carrying out his duties as a Detective Sergeant in the Stassi.

Script by Clivey Dee, 19.

Smudges by Inchcock & The Artful Dodger.