Danny Sparko: Heavyweight Consumer’s Champion

“I Know Your Rights!”

 

Dear Danny

I’m a 75 year old widow living alone in a small 2 bedroom house in Spitalfields, East London. Normally my heating bill is around £30.00 a month as I try to keep the gas fire off as much as possible. Then last week NPower sent me a bill for £97.39, telling me that the wholesale price of gas had risen and that I’d have to get used to paying a bit extra each month.

Please help me if you can Danny as I’m on a state pension and just can’t afford to pay the amount of money they want from me. I’m almost at my wit’s end with worry over this.

Thank you ever so much dear.

Ivy Stapleton

London E1

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Dear Ivy

I’ve gone round to NPower’s head office a bit earlier and given one or two a good clumping. First up I’ve grabbed the geezer on reception by his tie and smashed his head on the desk a few times. Before I could turn round I got grabbed from behind by a couple of security. I wasn’t going to let a couple of mug straight-goers like that take liberties though and stuck the nut on the biggest one and then kneed the little geezer in the Niagras. They’ve both gone down like sacks of spuds so I’ve pulled me blade out, dragged their strides down and striped em both right across the ‘arris.

Next up I’ve jumped in the lift and gone steaming into the Area Manager’s office and chinned the boy with a peach of a right cross. As soon as he’s hit the deck I’ve stamped on his swede and put the millimetre tread on his dial. After laying the boot into his kidneys a few times I’ve gone through his pockets and had it on me toes with his wallet and credit cards.

Then on the way out I’ve pulled out me bat and given a few milky looking arseoles in the foyer one or two lively ones across the kneecaps for good measure.

All the very best to you Ivy, and if you have any further problems with this one please don’t hesitate to let me know.

Danny.

Clivey.

For more spleen-rupturing exploits from the people’s consumer rights champ, have a butchers on this blog. http://sozsatire.wordpress.com/ Just don’t pull any strokes or I’ll come round your drum and serve you fucking up!