“I gotta big face”
There was widespread joy amongst the families of the 200 Nigerian schoolgirls, kidnapped and held by terror group, Boko Haran, last night as news broke that the youngsters had been found safe and well on the enormous face of British pop star, Olly Murs.
It is believed that the terrorists had hidden the girls in the large bushy area of one of Murs’s eyebrows over 3 weeks ago, before they were discovered on Friday afternoon by a group of potholers who were exploring a number of the deep cavernous pores on the side of his nose.
They were all reported to be in reasonably good health, albeit a little malnourished, and with a few complaining of various moisturiser-related problems.
We spoke to the delighted mother of one of the youngsters last night, who told us “This is the happiest day of my life. To find out that our child has been found safe and well on Olly Murs’s massive dial is a dream come true. I can’t thank her rescuers enough. Thank God they were in the right place at the right time. We feared the worst at times I don’t mind telling you. I mean just imagine if the terrorists had hidden them inside Simon Cowell’s gigantic trousers. We’d never have seen them again for sure”
Murs himself was round at pop star pal, Robbie Williams’s house last night watching Ask The Midwife and refused to comment, but his mother, Madge, 123, told us. “Olly’s absolutely delighted that the girls have been found safe and well on his bloody great fizzog and so am I to be honest with you”
The girls are now being cared for by members of the Red Cross and will be returned to their village in the next few days where plans are under way to celebrate their homecoming by letting them off female circumcision for a week or two.