How To Avoid Murdering Your Girlfriend: A Gentleman’s Guide

1 – When discharging a firearm always ask your girlfriend to stand directly behind you

2 – If you suspect there may be an armed intruder in the bathroom, always knock first just to make sure it’s not your girlfriend before opening fire.

3 – Dont accompany your girlfriend on shopping trips for clothes, this particularly applies to the purchasing of female footwear. In the event this proves unavoidable, nod approvingly whenever shown an item of apparel, preferably accompanying this disingenuous act with platitudes such as: “That colour really suits you darling” or even better, “Blimey your arse looks almost miniscule in that one love!”

4 – Dont allow your girlfriend to map read during car journeys no matter how uncomplicated the route.

5 – Following a marathon, stamina sapping bout of lovemaking lasting a full 5 minutes or thereabouts, try not to take it the wrong way when she says “Was that it?”, or even worse, “Have you started yet?”

6 – Completely avoid the company of your girlfriend for a few days each calendar month.

7 – When going out on a date always ensure you turn up at least 2 hours late so that she’ll be “almost ready”

8 – Dont ask your girlfriend for her opinion of your mum.

9 – If you intend to break the speed limit in your car, bind and gag your girlfriend and lock her securely in the boot.

10 –  Lock your girlfriend in the bathroom during all televised sport. This will eradicate the urge to discharge a firearm at her when she begins tutting, coughing noisily, hoovering or walking in front of the screen during the taking of an injury time penalty. However, remember that she’s in the bathroom when you go for a much-needed whizz after full time. Under no circumstances mistake her for an intruder and shoot her through the door.

The above tips were brought to you courtesy of The Oscar Pistorius Advisory Council.

CD

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