Tag Archives: The Whitechapel Whelk

R2-D2’s Remains to be Thrown into Whitechapel Car Crusher

crushed car

Star Wars fans from around the globe are expected to descend on East London next Tuesday after it was revealed that the remains of popular droid, R2-D2, will be thrown in the crusher at a Whitechapel scrap metal yard.

R2, aged 39, passed away peacefully yesterday at his home in a galaxy far, far away, leaving a wife and two pedal bins aged 5 and 8.

Danny Carter, the owner of the scrap yard where the short service and final crushing will be carried out, told us: “We’ll obviously inspect him first to see if he can be put back on the road and sold with false papers. If not, we’ll cut the top off and see if there’s anything worth salvaging: screwdrivers, biros, sunglasses, that sort of thing. After that, we’ll throw him in the crusher. There’s not much of him so it’ll be over pretty quickly hopefully”

Mr Carter went on “He’ll end up as an 8 or 9-centimetre cube once the job’s done. We’ll put his remains up on Ebay and hopefully, make a few quid. I should imagine there’s literally thousands of dozy space cadets out there, willing to part with their readies for a chance to have what’s left of the boy on their sideboard”

One notable absentee from the service will be R2’s old friend, and fellow droid, C3-PO, who told us “I have a business appointment that day, and anyway, I never liked him to be honest. All that beeping and whistling used to get right on my tits”

Danny SoZ

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Outcry as Whitechapel MP is Caught Masturbating in Parliament



Mr Dankworth-Carter’s dog pictured outside his home yesterday



There were calls for tighter controls on MP’s behaviour in The House of Commons yesterday as Speaker John Berkow, had to remonstrate with a conservative MP who was masturbating during a debate on the common agricultural policy.

The MP in question, Toby Dankworth-Carter, the member for Whitechapel East, was also picked up on camera, looking red-faced and furtive with his right hand down the front of his trousers.

Mr. Dankworth-Carter, married with 4 children, later defended his actions; telling reporters he was “bored” and wanted to “clear his tubes” before visiting his girlfriend later that evening.

Opposition leader, Jeremy Corbyn, condemned Mr. Dankworth-Carter’s conduct last night, calling it “unparliamentary” and showing “a lack of respect for the democratic process”. He called for Dankworth-Carter’s immediate deselection, stating that, “The Commons debating chamber is not the place to be blowing your custard”

Corbyn, who is currently under fire over perceived anti-Semitic leanings, looked visibly disappointed and stalked away from reporters after he was told that Dankworth-Carter is a Roman Catholic.

This is only the second time that a sitting MP has been involved in a self-abuse incident. The other occasion was in 1783, when, William Pitt The Younger – the then prime minister – was called to order by The Speaker after shooting his bolt over The Mace during an all-night debate on The Poor Laws.

For more tales of parliamentary indiscretions and scalding jizz, why not visit:


It’s a bit like this blog but with a bit more class…ish

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Trump and Clinton to Wed: A Whitechapel Whelk Exclusive

Running Mates: An adoring Hillary  smiles happily as Trump outlines plans to kick Mexican ass.


In a surprise announcement, Donald Trump, and Hillary Clinton have announced that that are getting married after the American presidential election in November.

The two presidential nominees visited The Whitechapel Whelk’s offices in East London yesterday, just hours after Mr. Trump had virtually secured his place as the presidential candidate for The Republican Party following the retirement of his two main rivals.

Holding hands and appearing blissfully happy, they posed for photographs, kissing and embracing constantly before telling us of their unlikely love.

Mr. Trump told us: “It all started for me just after Hillary’s husband Bill, admitted that Monica Lewinsky had noshed him off under the table in The Oval Office. I felt so sorry for Hillary and called her straight away. We started meeting and over time we fell deeply for each other. Loving her seemed like the most natural thing in the world.”

Hillary smiled and squeezed Trump’s hand as she revealed: “What Donnie says is absolutely true; although I have to say, I didn’t fall for Donald straight away. Basically, I was only sleeping with him to get back at Bill for allowing Monica to suck him off. But over time, my feelings for Donald changed and before I knew it, I’d fallen head over heels. I went out and bought a ring in January and ask him to marry me. I was the happiest woman in the world when he said he yes.

“Now, we don’t really care who gets to be president. Either way, we’re both going to be at The White House. I expect we’ll have our differences about thinks like nuking North Korea or persecuting the wetbacks, but at the end of the day, love conquers all and I know that we’ll be just fine”

This bombshell mirrors the revelation in 1963 that British Prime Minister, Harold Wilson, had secretly married President John F Kennedy in a civil ceremony in Golders Green, North London. They subsequently split after two years together following Kennedy’s constant complaints about Wilson smoking his pipe during sex.

You are HERE. We, on the other hand, are HERE:


Come and join us why doncha? 


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LOMM’s Classic Song Lyrics for Intellectuals #872

elton crocodile rock

For this and even more childish humour of a similarly appalling standard, why not visit us at our new home here:


and of course, here:


Thanks chaps and chapperettas! 🙂

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Stepney Stan: The Council Man


This piece was conceived and written by Lord Garfield Hoadley of Tobruk (Mrs) and maliciously edited by The Right Bloody Reverend Clivey Dee, 19.

Look! If that Corbyn geezer came over here and tried to turn the pie and mash shop into a vegan eatery, I should get hold of him by the Gregory and tell him to sling his hook. I’m not having a lily-livered leftie turning my Maureen into a boiler suit-wearing painter and decorator!

She works in the cleaners in the Roman Road Market…Been there for years she has, and anyway, she don’t vote. She’s not been able to go in a polling station ever since Mrs. Thatcher was shafted by John Major in the 80s. Took to her bed for 3 weeks after that she did. Her and the coalman both. So he’s wasting his time ain’t he?

I went to that House Of Parliament once. Full of poofs and
old geezers in flash suits it was. Complete waste of waste of thirty bob.

Anyway, I’m off to me council meeting in a minute. We’re gonna try and ban the Gay and Lesbian Pride march through Aldgate on Saturday”.

I mean to say, you can’t have that sort of caper going on in Stepney can yers? What my nan would have made of all this I shudder to think.

Sir Alf Garnett appears at the top of this skit courtesy of The Tottenham Hotspurs FC Ladies Formation Origami Bastards Appreciation League.

19-year-old editor’s note: This skit will shortly be appearing here:  https://thewhelkwordpresscom.wordpress.com – and so should you to be perfectly honest.


Filed under Humour, Satire

Unto You A Whelk Is Born

Whelk Gravatar


Greetings my wuffly ickle WordPress Family friendzzzz!

I know I’m massive pain in the arse (my mum told me) but I’m going to ask you a huge favour if I may.

Along with a couple of other satirist reprobates and a talented graphics wallah, I have started a small, but perfectly formed, online spoof newspaper. It’s in its infancy at the moment but we have high hopes for our new baby and with your kind help we can get off to a decent start.

It’s a London-centric newspaper based in the Whitechapel area of East London – an area I know extremely well; and it basically consists of spoof news items, vignettes of local characters – some more outlandish than others – along with a sprinkling of hilarious (it says here) memes etc.

You won’t find any biting political satire here – I can get that stuff published elsewhere. It’s just a bit of fun and an enjoyable outlet for our somewhat bizarre sense of humour. Hopefully, you’ll find it as enjoyable and as much fun to read as we have enjoyed putting it together.

One old journo friend of mine described it earlier as “brilliantly funny”. However, he’s not to be trusted and is renowned for drinking heavily morning, noon and night, so I’d take that with a pinch of salt if I were you.

So please, take a quick look and give us a follow if you like what you see. We will, of course, follow you back, and our sub-editor – a brute-like creature who has worked his way up from being copy boy on The Illustrated London News in 1888 – will be more than happy to field your comments, suggestions and spiteful abuse in the order in which he receives them.

So here we go then guys. Our WordPress site and Facebook page (please ‘like’ generously. All proceeds go to an orphaned kittens hostel) are listed below for your delectation and delight.

Thanks and best wishes in anticipation of your poorly-judged patronage

Clivey Dee, 19, and The Whitechapel Whelk production drunks




Filed under Humor, Humour, Satire