Following the recent spate of stabbings in the capital, London’s teenage boys have now been officially listed as a critically-endangered species by The International Union for Conservation of Nature, it emerged last night.
The IUCN have announced emergency plans to protect the youngsters, which will include the appointment of armed game wardens, licenced to shoot to kill any person or persons perceived to be posing a threat to their survival.
Designated, postcode-based conservation areas will also be introduced where the youths will be free to roam with other members of their species without fear of being preyed upon by rival teens from other parts of London.
These fenced-in areas will contain at least one amusement arcade, a skateboard park and an Asian-run convenience store where underage youngsters will be able to buy staples vital to their survival, (such as cigarettes, kitchen knives, and premium strength lager)
A spokesman for the ICUN said last night: “We felt that urgent measures were needed to protect these creatures who were being hunted for their valuable trainers and mobile phones by unscrupulous teens from neighbouring areas. In Tower Hamlets alone, numbers have dwindled alarmingly, whilst in Croydon only two breeding pairs remain in the wild”
The teens will now join other critically-endangered species on the ICUN list which currently includes: the African wild ass, the brown spider monkey, the northern hairy-nosed wombat and the lesser-spotted teenaged Essex virgin.
Facial improvements made by The Artful Dodger
Outspoken columnist and media personality, Katie Hopkins, has launched a scathing attack on the dentist who performed corrective dental surgery on her teeth following her recent accident in which she damaged her two front teeth in a fall.
Hopkins said last night: “Just look at the state I’ve been left in. I look like one of those hideous, disease ravaged wogs you see in the Amazon jungle! This is what happens when we allow foreigners into our country. I’ll be taking this further believe you me!”
Hopkins went on “The woman dentist who did this should be deported without delay. Admittedly she was white but I could tell by her accent she wasn’t from our shores. A bloody Pole or a Romanian in all probability. Scum and cockroaches the lot of them! I knew she didn’t like me when she started smashing at my teeth with a hammer and yanking them out with Mole Grips. I wouldn’t have minded but she didn’t even give me an anesthetic!”
Hopkins then stormed off to The Haymarket Theatre in London’s West End where she is playing The Fuehrer’s Alsatian, Blondie, in a production of Springtime For Hitler
She actually IS still a virgin you know. A geezer down the pub told me. Oh yes.
I only ask because a piece I wrote earlier for a well-known satirical newspaper amassed 3,342 likes, 1,9452 FB shares and over 100 irritating, time-consuming comments in just a few hours. And yet, that same piece has only got a miserly 4 likes, no shares and not one irritating comment in this forum.
Where do you think I’m going wrong my friends? Why do you all hate me so? As Alice Cooper once remarked: “Is it my body?”
No need to explain folks. You see, the awful and the stark truth is this: I really couldn’t give a flying fuck. 😀
Here’s the piece in question:
Don’t forget to ‘like’ and comment now, do ya hear 🙂
Danny Soz. I’m 18 and I like it. (Little bit more Alice for ya there my frendzzz)
PS. They absolutely love me on Pinterest!…ish.
reconstructive dental surgery by The Artful Dodger
There was wild cheering in The House of Commons yesterday as Prime Minister, David Cameron, announced plans to launch a series of RAF strikes on controversial media personality, Katie Hopkins.
Cameron delivered a blistering call to arms as he demanded that Britain put an end to the constant, bigoted bluster from the self-styled ‘uber bitch’ once and for all.
It is believed that the first strikes will be made on Saturday evening when she leaves The Sun newspaper’s offices in Wapping, East London, with further bombing taking place at her home just to be on the safe side.
There was widespread support for the initiative from both sides of the house; with the only note of caution coming from Labour leader, Jeremy Corbyn, who advocated restraint and suggested an equally satisfactory result could be obtained by smashing her teeth out with a hammer.
Clivey Dee, 19.
The recent directive from Transport for London, which calls for people to stand still on both the left and the right side of escalators at London’s underground stations, has been attacked as being unfair to drunks and people with full bladders by a drinker’s pressure group.
People Against Sensible Drinking, hit out last night in a strongly-worded statement: “We see this directive as an infringement of our human rights and another unwarranted attack on those of us who enjoy a good skinful before traveling on public transport. Remaining still with 8 or 9 pints tucked under your belt is simply too much to ask in our view. Surely TFL could allow for a bit of unsteady swaying from side to side, the odd stumble, or hopping from one foot to the other to alleviate bladder discomfort. We at PASB are not prepared to take this lying down. Unless, of course, we’ve had one over the eight and have collapsed in a pool of sick in the station toilets”
TFL said last night: “If escalator-users think this is bad, wait until we make wheelchair users go up and down using the silver, metal bit in the middle.”
Danny SoZ, 19.
British pop icon, Olly Murs, has issued a defiant threat to the so-called, Islamic State, or Daesh, vowing to use his enormous face to obliterate them in their Syrian stronghold of Racca within the next few days.
The plan, which has been approved by an emergency meeting of the United Nations Security Council, is for Murs to run as fast as he can towards the beleaguered city until he reaches the outskirts. He will then be tripped up by an American general, causing him to fall face down – crushing the Daesh army beneath his massive face.
Murs, 12, spoke to reporters last night before being airlifted to the Syrian desert by two British Army Chinook helicopters:
“I’ve used my great big face for a number of humanitarian purposes in the past, including, the stabilising of The Leaning Tower of Pisa, and to provide housing for Britain’s homeless, but this will undoubtedly be my greatest achievement. To think that my gigantic dial will crush the biggest threat to mankind since the rise of Hitler’s Nazis in the 1930s is pretty awesome. I can’t wait to get out into that desert to be honest”.
It is believed that Murs also wanted to perform his latest hit single through a megaphone outside the city gates as a battle cry, but the UN ruled it out on humanitarian grounds.
“It would make us as barbaric as the fiends we’re trying to wipe out,” said UN Secretary Ban Ki-moon last night.
Dear SoZ Satire
I should like to add my voice to those of the many people expressing shock and disbelief with regard to the recent rumours surrounding Sir Cliff Richard’s alleged penchant for young boys. I quite simply do not believe them, and indeed, can furnish you with a short anecdote which will add weight to my conviction.
About 30 years ago, as a teenager, I got terribly drunk at a party and stumbled out onto nearby Hampstead Heath. I then collapsed and lost consciousness. Upon waking in the early hours of the morning, I found none other than the Peter Pan of Pop himself hastily pulling my trousers up. There’s absolutely no doubt in my mind that this was an altruistic effort to preserve my modesty and to prevent me from catching a chill. He then gave me £5.00 and told me the location of the nearest chemist in case I had a sore bottom. Were those the actions of a slavering paedophile?
Thanks Sir Cliff!
Chessington World of Adventures
Dear SoZ Satire
I think I may have uncovered a clandestine paedophile ring in my local hospital. My mate’s pregnant wife told me that during a routine check-up, a doctor smeared a lubricant on her belly and then took a number of photographs of her unborn child while it was completely naked. The filthy sod even asked her if she wanted one to take home!
Filed under Humor, Humour
The House of SoZ is delighted to announce the launch of our latest item of couture: The Alzheimer’s Dressing Gown of Hope.
Specifically designed for the fashion conscious dementia sufferer, these stylish and practical dressing gowns will ensure you stand out from the crowd the next time you go wandering off aimlessly in the middle of the night.
Lovingly hand made on industrial sewing machines by Bangladeshi orphans, each Gown of Hope comes complete with an ingenious GPS tracking device to ensure that anxious relatives need never wonder where the hell you are in the early hours of the morning again.
So, if you want to stay warm, and look chic and stylish when you’re brought back home in a police car at 3.00am, The Alzheimer’s Dressing Gown of Hope is for you.
To receive yours at some unspecified point in the future; send a banker’s draft or cash to the tune of: £32,456 to:
The House of SoZ (Feeble-Minded Offer)
The Boleyn Arms
DISCLAIMER: I have no idea what day it is or whether I want a shit or a haircut and I waive all legal rights of redress if my goods never arrive. I have no violent relatives or carers who might start asking awkward questions. Signed…