Tag Archives: masturbation

Outcry as Whitechapel MP is Caught Masturbating in Parliament



Mr Dankworth-Carter’s dog pictured outside his home yesterday



There were calls for tighter controls on MP’s behaviour in The House of Commons yesterday as Speaker John Berkow, had to remonstrate with a conservative MP who was masturbating during a debate on the common agricultural policy.

The MP in question, Toby Dankworth-Carter, the member for Whitechapel East, was also picked up on camera, looking red-faced and furtive with his right hand down the front of his trousers.

Mr. Dankworth-Carter, married with 4 children, later defended his actions; telling reporters he was “bored” and wanted to “clear his tubes” before visiting his girlfriend later that evening.

Opposition leader, Jeremy Corbyn, condemned Mr. Dankworth-Carter’s conduct last night, calling it “unparliamentary” and showing “a lack of respect for the democratic process”. He called for Dankworth-Carter’s immediate deselection, stating that, “The Commons debating chamber is not the place to be blowing your custard”

Corbyn, who is currently under fire over perceived anti-Semitic leanings, looked visibly disappointed and stalked away from reporters after he was told that Dankworth-Carter is a Roman Catholic.

This is only the second time that a sitting MP has been involved in a self-abuse incident. The other occasion was in 1783, when, William Pitt The Younger – the then prime minister – was called to order by The Speaker after shooting his bolt over The Mace during an all-night debate on The Poor Laws.

For more tales of parliamentary indiscretions and scalding jizz, why not visit:


It’s a bit like this blog but with a bit more class…ish

1 Comment

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Basic CMYK

Dear Spunky

I wonder if you could help me with a rather singular problem that’s been playing on my mind a fair bit lately.

The thing is, I own a small children’s zoo in a built up area of London where the local youngsters can come to observe small animals in a fairly natural environment. We have rabbits, guinea pigs, voles, ducks, geese and various other water fowl for the children to enjoy.

The only thing that concerns me is the lack of sexual activity available to the creatures themselves. Some of the males have paired off with females for sure, but that still leaves quite a large number of young males with no romantic attachment whatsoever.

So basically, I was wondering if there was some way I could help these “singletons” to enjoy a semblance of sexual pleasure and subsequent release in the absence of a partner.

Your help would be most welcome on this one Spunky as it’s been a real worry to me just lately.

Yours Faithfully

Bob Carter

London E2


Dear Bob

As a Thai ladyboy and masturbation guru of over 25 years standing, yours is a problem I’ve encountered on countless occasions and my answer is always the same on this one.

Firstly, you need to buy a copy of The Observer’s Book Of British Wildlife from any good bookstore. Following this, simply snip out the small, thumbnail pictures of the females of each individual species. For instance, if you were catering for a hedgehog, cut out as many photos of females as you can and bind them together with a small length of twine to make a rudimentary magazine. Then simply leave this ad hoc, softcore grumble mag in the creature’s nest or burrow before it retires for the night. I guarantee that before you can say “hairy palms”, the little chap will be happily blasting ribbons of hot spadge all over the show on a nightly basis, or, in the case of nocturnal animals, during the daylight hours. I hope this sets your mind at ease Bob and that your zoo will be a much happier and sexually-fulfilled place for all its unattached inmates.

All the very best

Spunky x


Filed under Humor, Humour

Letterz To LOMM


Dear League Of Mental Men

I recently watched an episode of Jamie Oliver’s 15 Minute Meals during which he declared: “I’m now going to whack in these nice juicy tomatoes”

Well, I certainly won’t be visiting any of his restaurants anytime soon I can tell you.

Sid James


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Letters To LOMM

Jo Stalin

Dear League Of Mental Men

The president of storm-ravaged island, Vanuatu, Baldwin Lonsdale, has called for his people “to come together” in the days ahead, following the devastation and destruction caused by Cyclone Pam.

Well far be it from me to criticise the man but I would have thought the last thing these poor devils would feel like doing is indulging in some kind of crass, synchronised masturbation event.

Barney Dogfighting

Papua New Guinea



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