Tag Archives: Inchcock

Home Workshop Manual for 29 Tools: with users’ advice (Updated)

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JCP03

To the uninitiated, the workshop can be an intimidating place, full of tools you may not know what to do with.

To help, here’s a helpful explanation of common tools and their uses, followed by some DIY tips provided by Mike Steeden Construction and Demolition expert.

1: Socket-Sets:

A definitely much needed tool. You’ll always lose the one you want to use, but the nearest width one can always be utilised to chew-up the bolt heads.

2: Drill Press:

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

3: Allen Keys:

Highly losable. You can keep them on a key-ring, for you to sort through them to find the size out of the 60 you have on the ring isn’t there, more easily.

4: Multi-Pliers:

Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a homeowners belt to make you look macho and increase testosterone levels.

5: Wire Wheel:

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, “Oh shit!”

6: Halogen Light:

A work-light that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you’re working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.

7: Electric Hand Drill

Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

8: Cordless Drill:

A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool. Guaranteed to lose your power when you need it.

9: Skill Saw:

A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

10: Pliers:

Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. These have been known to mysteriously increase a man’s cursing vocabulary.

11: Belt Sander:

An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refurnishing jobs.

12: Hacksaw:

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

13: Vice-Grips:

Generally used after pliers have failed in the task. To completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hands.

14: Welding Gloves:

Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hands.

15: Oxyacetylene Torch:

Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your workshop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing taken out of.

16: Table Saw:

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

17: Hydraulic Floor Jack:

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

18: Eight-foot long Yellow Pine 2×4:

Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack- handle.

19: Ease-it-out Bolt & Stud Extractor:

A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

20: Band Saw

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most handymen to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

21: Two-Ton Engine Hoist:

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

22: Phillips Screwdriver

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to mangle-up Phillips screw heads.

23: Plain-flat headed Screwdriver

A tool for opening paint cans. These are often used to convert the common slotted screws into non-removable slotted screws.

24: Crow Bar:

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50p part. Also useful during burglaries and street riots.

25: Hose Cutter:

A tool used to make hoses too short.

26: Hammer:

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit with it.

27: Stanley-Knife:

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund cheques, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

28: Swiss Army Knife:

Can always come in handy as a substitute for the tool you need, but you cannot find.

29: Dammit Tools:

Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling “Dammit” at the top of voice. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need at any given time.

Guest Advisor Mike Steeden’s Advice for the Handy-Man:

JCP05If you can’t find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it becomes an improvised screwdriver.

Try to work alone, an audience is rarely any help and only takes the piss out if you when you get it wrong again.

Despite what you may have been told by your mother, praying and cursing are both helpful in home repair… but only if you are working alone.

Work in the kitchen whenever you can… many fine tools are there. It’s warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.

If it’s electronic, get a new one, or consult a twelve-year-old.

Stay simple minded, Plug it in, Get a new battery, Replace the bulb or fuse, See if the tank is empty, Try turning it to the “on” switch. Or Just paint over it.

Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.

Regardless what people say, kicking, pounding, throwing, and shaking sometimes does help.

If something looks level, it is level.

If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.

Above all, if what you’ve done is stupid, but it works, don’t toy with it any-more!

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Filed under Humor, Humour, Satire, Soz Satire Magazine, The League Of Mental Men

Clivey & Gaz In: Invigorating Inchcock

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Smudge by The Artful Dodger

Written by Clivey Dee

Tea and precious little sympathy by Gary Hoadley

 

Scene One: The Public Bar In The Boyleyn Tavern, Green Street, East London. The Lads Are Seated At A Corner Table.

“Fancy another pint Clivey? It’s my round squire”

“To be honest Gaz I’m too worried to drink right now son. I’ll just leave it at 15 pints if it’s all the same mate”

“Worried? What are you worried about Clivey? What is the thing that is currently worrying you mate?”

“It’s Inchy Gaz”

“Inchy? What you worried about Inchy for mate? The boy’s as fit as a butcher’s dog son”

“That’s just the thing though Gaz. He isn’t you see. He might put on this hale and hearty act on the blog and pretend he’s never had a day’s illness in his entire natural, but in actual fact nothing could be further from the truth mate. In short, the boy’s in absolute shit state son”

“Blimey! What’s up with him then Clivey?”

“Everything Gaz. That geezer is so riddled with plague and pestilence I’ve started calling him Old Testament Inchy”

“Fuck’s sake mate! Who’d have thought it? He always looks and sounds so well all the time”

“Precisely Gaz. He’s putting a brave front on things you see mate. Outwardly he pretends to be in blinding nick but inside he’s an absolute wreck of a geezer”

“So whaddya reckon then son? Shall we take him down the quack’s for a check-up”

“No Gaz, that is not the way forward with the boy in my view mate. I propose that we cure him ourselves”

“Behave yerself sheriff! We couldn’t cure a Lowestoft kipper! We’re cockney toerags not learned men of medicine!”

“We don’t have to be Gaz. We’re going to use holistic medicine to get the boy’s ailments squared away”

“Holistic mate? What, we’re going to drill holes in him?”

“Precisely Gaz. I see this brain surgeon geezer do it on the telly once. He drilled a massive hole in this half dead geezer’s Uncle Ned and a few days later the boy’s hopping all over the gaff like a bastard spring lamb”

“Sweet as a nut Clivey boy! When we gonna do it mate”

“This afternoon son. He’s just come through the door so let’s get a few ales down the bastard and it’ll save us having to hit him on the swede with a mallet later on…OI OI INCHY!… Over ‘ere son. Come and have a few sharpeners with me and old Gaz!”

Disclaimer: No Inchcocks began to feel much better as a direct result of this skit.

Clivey@sozsatire

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Inchcock Today: His Visit to the Dentist

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Inchy shower of his repaired top two front teggies!

Only just moved to this Dentist. I went last week for a check-up, and they booked me in fer a bit of work today. Couple o’ fillin’s and a spit un polish at ten o’clock this morning.

I set off, givin’ missen plenty o’ time like to hobble there.

At the end of the road, I stopped and limped back to the house cause I realised I’d still got me slippers on, un changed into me weather worn shoes.

Set off again, nice morning, up Mansfield Road, crossed over the other side when I noticed the police trying to drag a chap out of the flats, and the chap seemed determined not to be dragged out into the police van.

About 15 minutes later, I arrived at the Dentist at 0945hrs.

By the time I’d queued to book in, it were abarht 1010hrs. They insisted I pay fer me treatment then, before I’d ‘ad it like. Do I look dishonest, or like a pauper… maybe.Dentist Hitler

I sat and read a few chapters of me book ‘Hitler; The Commander’ wot I got frum the Pound Shop, before I wus told to go upstairs to room 2.

The rooms, had been fashioned out the old bedrooms in what was originally the living quarters of a shop owner.

I went in, and found myself alone, so I got out me book again. A few minutes later the nurse came in and went out again, then the dentist came in, told me to sit on the split plastic covered chair thingy and she’s be back in a bit. She a Polish gal, name of Cwik – no I’m not joking.

She inquired if I required a needle of pain killer before she started, I replied in the affirmative.

She left the room again. The nurse returned, picked something up out of a drawer, and left again.

They both returned after a short while, during which time I began to appreciate the pretty patterns the spiders had spun on the ceiling.

They set to work, and before long I’d got a set of top front teeth that I hope I can eat with without struggling.

I set off on me walk home, cheered with the prospect of being able to consume me fodder without pain. Got to ten end of me road… then returned to the dentist for me book, medicines and seaweed I’d left in the carrier bag….

Huh!

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Filed under Humour, The League Of Mental Men