Tag Archives: holistic medicine

Clivey & Gaz In: Invigorating Inchcock

clivey mini me

Smudge by The Artful Dodger

Written by Clivey Dee

Tea and precious little sympathy by Gary Hoadley


Scene One: The Public Bar In The Boyleyn Tavern, Green Street, East London. The Lads Are Seated At A Corner Table.

“Fancy another pint Clivey? It’s my round squire”

“To be honest Gaz I’m too worried to drink right now son. I’ll just leave it at 15 pints if it’s all the same mate”

“Worried? What are you worried about Clivey? What is the thing that is currently worrying you mate?”

“It’s Inchy Gaz”

“Inchy? What you worried about Inchy for mate? The boy’s as fit as a butcher’s dog son”

“That’s just the thing though Gaz. He isn’t you see. He might put on this hale and hearty act on the blog and pretend he’s never had a day’s illness in his entire natural, but in actual fact nothing could be further from the truth mate. In short, the boy’s in absolute shit state son”

“Blimey! What’s up with him then Clivey?”

“Everything Gaz. That geezer is so riddled with plague and pestilence I’ve started calling him Old Testament Inchy”

“Fuck’s sake mate! Who’d have thought it? He always looks and sounds so well all the time”

“Precisely Gaz. He’s putting a brave front on things you see mate. Outwardly he pretends to be in blinding nick but inside he’s an absolute wreck of a geezer”

“So whaddya reckon then son? Shall we take him down the quack’s for a check-up”

“No Gaz, that is not the way forward with the boy in my view mate. I propose that we cure him ourselves”

“Behave yerself sheriff! We couldn’t cure a Lowestoft kipper! We’re cockney toerags not learned men of medicine!”

“We don’t have to be Gaz. We’re going to use holistic medicine to get the boy’s ailments squared away”

“Holistic mate? What, we’re going to drill holes in him?”

“Precisely Gaz. I see this brain surgeon geezer do it on the telly once. He drilled a massive hole in this half dead geezer’s Uncle Ned and a few days later the boy’s hopping all over the gaff like a bastard spring lamb”

“Sweet as a nut Clivey boy! When we gonna do it mate”

“This afternoon son. He’s just come through the door so let’s get a few ales down the bastard and it’ll save us having to hit him on the swede with a mallet later on…OI OI INCHY!… Over ‘ere son. Come and have a few sharpeners with me and old Gaz!”

Disclaimer: No Inchcocks began to feel much better as a direct result of this skit.



Filed under Humor, Humour