Tag Archives: Facebook

FACEBOOK COUPLE ANNOUNCE BIRTH OF 6LB 7OZ ATTENTION-SEEKING IRRITANT

couple with baby
A proud couple from South London last night announced the birth of their first child via the social media site, Facebook, declaring that the child weighed 6lb 7oz at birth and is already displaying a number of traits that bode well for a promising future spent whining and attention-seeking online.

“We’ve named him, Mark, after Mr Zuckerberg, said proud mum Tracy Dell, 23, from Bermondsey. “We can’t wait for him to get a bit older so we can teach him to use Facebook. His dad and I are hoping, that by the time he reaches school age, he’ll be capable of leaving vague, passive-aggressive status updates on his timeline, posting selfies – including pictures of his dinner, of whining constantly about being unwell, and maybe even filming and sharing short clips of the cat performing an impromptu, hilarious stunt”

Her husband, Toby, 27, laughed as he told us: “That would be great, but first things first. Initially, I want to make sure he’s able to send photographs of his tiny cock to women and to post memes containing unpleasant sexual innuendo before we even think of moving on to the more complicated stuff. My nephew, who’s only 9-years-old, has already been thrown out of Instagram for posting indecent images and has had his laptop seized by the police, so hopefully he’ll follow in his footsteps”

When told of the couple’s aspirations for the youngster, a spokesperson for Facebook said last night: “We’d like to congratulate the couple on the birth of their child, and, while we don’t encourage sending inappropriate material, we like to think we have a pretty good record of turning a blind eye to those who do”

The couple were back home late last night, and according to friends, have already started boring people rigid with countless photographs of the infant wrapped in a shawl looking like a prune-faced gibbon.

AUTHOR’S NOTE: Would anyone like to help me write the WordPress version of this one? Maybe we could turn it into a hideous self-published book of some description and spend the rest of our lives trying to flog the bloody thing to people with shit for brains, zero literacy appreciation skills and too much time on their hands 🙂

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FROM BOWL TO BOWEL: FACEBOOK WOMAN SNAPS DINNER AS IT PASSES ALONG DIGESTIVE TRACT

food on a plate

A 30-year-old London woman, last night took the current fad of photographing and posting plates of food on Facebook to new levels, by first taking pictures of her dinner before consumption, and then – having eaten the meal – by swallowing an endoscopic camera to record its passage down her gullet and its subsequent journey along her alimentary canal, ending with a climactic shot of the ensuing faecal matter lying under the water in the toilet bowl just prior to flushing.

Harriet Murdoch, a healthcare worker from Shoreditch, East London, said last night:

“I’ve been habitually posting pictures of my meals on Facebook for a number of years now and just decided to go that extra mile. I’ve put the pictures in a separate folder, entitled: From Plate To Plop. I just know that everybody on my friends list will be thrilled when they see it on their timelines in the morning.

We spoke to one of Ms Murdoch’s Facebook friends last night, who told us: “She’s done what?… The silly bitch! I mean how gross is that? Eeeeeeeeew!”

turd

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REMOTE AFRICAN TRIBE LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING ON EACH OTHER’S NERVES ON FACEBOOK

african tribesman
Mmmmmmm yummy! An African tribesman limbers up for FB with a selfie of him eating a large biscuit

Following the news that social networking giant, Facebook, are to use satellite technology to reach remote areas on the African continent, a village elder in a small village in The Democratic Republic Of Congo, has spoken of the excitement amongst fellow villagers when news broke of the development.

Speaking through an interpreter he said:

“We are all so excited and can’t wait to irritate the hell out of each other with puerile and crass status updates. One of my wives has a particularly unpleasant looking child and is eagerly awaiting the chance to post countless pictures of it with its face plastered with food, or with it staring in a gormless manner at the camera before its first day at school. My wife, of course, will remain completely oblivious to the fact that everybody else thinks it looks like shit on a stick.

“I also know for a fact that many of the villagers are looking forward to whining about their ailments and mental frailties. No doubt some will also be keen to start making empty suicide threats to a bunch of complete strangers who just wish they’d hurry up and get the job done.

“My sister is an extremely greedy woman, who will definitely be taking advantage of the opportunity to post pictures of cakes and various other food items, including close-ups of her dinner plate, piled high with something horrendously unappetising. This is bound to result in other womenfolk on her friends list making unconvincing, lying comments, such as, “Mmmmmmmm looks scrummy babes!”

“For myself, I’m looking forward to acting the complete giddy arsehole; posting boxes containing deep political and philosophical dogma that goes way over my head, sexually harassing women, and subjecting people to countless pictures of my hideous, bastard cat”

A spokesperson for Facebook said last night: “We think it’s tremendously important that people in remote parts of the world are subjected to the same will-to-live-sapping tedium of our site as those living in the developed world. We have already carried out a feasibility study amongst a remote tribe in Papua New Guinea and I’m happy to report that within days of their logging on, there was a sustained outbreak of killing and cannibalism”

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Today’s Weather For Facebookers

weatherman

“There’s an area of heavy irony moving in from East London babes. Wuff oo! XOXOXOXOXO”

There will be widespread LOLs across the entire region this morning followed by intermittent ((((((HUGS))))) and a few scattered cat pictures.

In the afternoon. a deep depression will settle over most parts with a number of boxes containing plagiarised words of wisdom and earnest political dogma, these may bring occasional blurred pictures of hideous looking offspring, becoming widespread in some areas.

Towards evening, there could be varying amounts of private messages, some of which could be quite heavy, with prolonged attachments containing small amounts of male genitalia, bringing long spells of dryness in the female gusset region. Testosterone levels will be particularly low in this area.

Overnight, there will be periods of light to heavy vomiting with occasional bursts of incontinence, as an area of lager, combined with fizzy white wine, settles over the entire region. These could be interspersed with the odd outbreak of cyber bullying, coupled with intermittent, laughable threats of violence from blokes with biceps like squashed Jaffa Cakes. These may be accompanied by occasional bursts of light female crying in low IQ areas.

Tomorrow will see another deep depression moving into the region with occasional bed sheet changing which in turn will give way to some thundery outbreaks and high winds in the south, resulting in brief periods of furtive underwear hiding.

The outlook for the week ahead is for more of the same but with occasional bursts of yawn-inducing birthday messages combined with the odd crass spelling error and attention-seeking suicide threat.

And now here’s the outlook for the week ahead in WordPress:

It’s a particularly gloomy picture here, with widespread sycophantic fawning and with a number of disingenuous “likes” and “follows” moving in for the afternoon. These will be accompanied by a  deep area of low intelligence and zero shame. Right from the word go there will be long outbreaks of truly appalling copy and absolutely risible poetry, bringing heavy gales of laughter, coupled with sporadic periods of wry amusement and light chuckling, particularly in the London area.

Clivey

The London Area

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Today’s Weather For Facebookers

weather man

“There’s an area of heavy irony moving in from East London babes. Wuff oo!” xoxoxoxoxo.

 

There will be widespread LOLs across the entire region this morning followed by intermittent ((((((HUGS))))) and a few scattered cat pictures.

In the afternoon a deep depression will settle over most parts with a number of boxes containing plagiarised words of wisdom and earnest political dogma, these may bring occasional blurred pictures of hideous looking offspring becoming widespread in some areas.

Towards evening there could be varying amounts of private messages, some of which could be quite heavy, with prolonged attachments containing small amounts of male genitalia bringing long spells of dryness in the female gusset region. Testosterone levels will be particularly low in this area.

Overnight there will be periods of light to heavy vomiting with occasional heavy bursts of incontinence as an area of lager, combined with fizzy white wine, settles over the entire region. These could be interspersed with the odd outbreak of cyber bullying, coupled with intermittent gay threats of violence from blokes with biceps like squashed Jaffa Cakes, and with occasional bursts of light female crying in low IQ areas.

Tomorrow will see another deep depression moving into the region with occasional bed sheet changing which in turn will give way to some thundery outbreaks and high winds in the south resulting in brief periods of furtive underwear hiding.

The outlook for the week ahead is for more of the same but with occasional bursts of yawn-inducing birthday messages combined with the odd crass spelling error and attention-seeking suicide threat.

And now here’s the outlook for the week ahead in WordPress:

It’s a particularly gloomy picture here, with widespread, fawning, “likes” and “follows” moving in, followed by a  deep area of low intelligence and zero self-esteem. Right from the word go there will long outbreaks of truly appalling copy and absolutely risible poetry, bringing heavy gales of laughter, coupled with sporadic periods of taking the piss, particularly in the London area.

And now on Channel 5, it’s time for Big Brother, a programme about a number of beetle-browed, limp dick cretins and surgically “enhanced”, desperate prostitutes, all cooped up together in a house that should really be bombed by the American Air Force with them in it.

Clivey

 

 

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The Facebooker’s Guide To Dealing With Outages Or Device Crashes

beckham

A 75 year old trawlerman from Lowestoft displaying his latest FB avatar last night.

 

Avatar Simulation: Enlarge a particularly flattering picture of yourself taken a least two decades ago and walk around the streets with it glued to your face. Singularly unattractive people may prefer to use their favourite celebrity such as George Clooney or Rachel Weiss. You’ll be fooling nobody mind you.

Friending: Approach a complete stranger in the street, ask them for directions and then, over the next few weeks, gently probe them for intimate details of their private life before discussing them down the pub.

Unfriending: Approach the same person a few weeks later and kick them up the arse

Liking: Sidle up to somebody who’s engaged in a private conversation, nudge them in the ribs and give them a thumbs up sign.

Sharing: Break into somebody’s house and steal a painting or photograph from their wall before parading around the streets holding it aloft. Thick people who would rather others didn’t realise how utterly cretinous they were could walk the streets wearing a sandwich board bearing a quotation from Plato or similar.

Commenting: Eavesdrop on somebody’s private conversation and then chime in by saying “So true!” Advanced Facebookers may wish to then smother the speaker with kisses before referring to them as “babes”,” hun”, “girlfriend” or “bro”

Private Messaging: Approach somebody you vaguely know in a conspiratorial manner and whisper to them that somebody else you both vaguely know is a cunt. Pig ugly men with small penises and no prospect of getting a girlfriend could also take this opportunity to make an inappropriate remark to a female with their miserable little cock hanging out.

Blocking: Use the electoral roll to find the address of somebody who gets on your nerves and then shoot them in the face on their doorstep.

Deactivating Account: Swallow a few handfuls of Paracetemol and drink a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Clivey “No I have no interest in looking at your fucking dog/cat, hideous children, house, garden, wallpaper or sexual organs so kindly fuck off”

 

 

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Letters To LOMM

josef

Dear League Of Mental Men

When my wife complained the other day that she couldn’t work out how to change her Facebook profile picture I immediately came to her aid and severed her head with a machete and then shrunk it in red hot sand. I then beat it flat with a mallet and glued it into the top left hand corner of her page.

Imagine my annoyance when a few days later I was arrested and charged with murder. Where’s the fairness in that then?

Benjamin Pre-Eclampsia

The Amazon

Clivey

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