Tag Archives: Death

CREMATORIUM MONTHLY NEWSLETTER

skeleton

“Turned out nice again I see”

Bare bones of the story by Gary “Tin Ribs” Hoadley. Fleshed out and brought to life by Clivey “The Pelvis” Dee, 19.

Hello All. Welcome to another edition of our fun-packed magazine.

Last month, Mr E. Winter from Devon, wrote to the editor complaining about the sniggering from two of our members while burying his wife. I have spoken to those involved and they explained that Mr Winters wife had died of Leprosy, and while lowering the open coffin into the hole, her nose fell off. They tried to carry on, but dropped the box, and when they looked, her ears had fallen off as well. I have apologised to Mr Winter for this unfortunate occurrence.

This month’s Golden Spade goes to Harold Blot from the Bolton Cemetery for digging the grave of 52 stone Mr Ardle Yeadon. As a precaution, Harold coated the sides of the hole with margarine from his sandwiches. That’s dedication.

Spelforth Crematorium and Cemetery secretary, Mrs Edna Numbly, has asked me to point out to members, that the furnaces are not for frying eggs and bacon, or for making toast. Families of the deceased are complaining about the smell.

This year’s Summer Ball will be held at the Grimshaw Brothers Funeral home. Can I stress to all members, please do NOT,  interfere with the deceased. After last year’s party, the family of a deceased loved one came to view the body. When the lid was lifted, the deceased had a carrot up his nose, a cocktail sausage sticking out of his zipper, and his eyebrows had been singed.

Finally, The “Spot The Mound Of Earth” competition has now closed and the results will be read out at the Summer Bash. The prize will be a weeks gravedigging in the Welsh Horeb Chapel in Myrthyr Tidfil.

See you next month.

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Government Outlines Plans to Tax The Dead

skeleton
                                                       “Death and Taxes eh folks?”
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Dead funny script by Gary Hoadley. 
Taxing and Editing by Clivey Dee, 19. (deceased)
 
 
 
The Government has announced that dead people will, in future, have to pay Value Added Tax (VAT) on the amount of time it takes them to decompose.
 
Under the terms of the proposed plan, every person that dies after Wednesday 5th January 2016, will pay a VAT accredited tax levy on the time it takes for their entire body to become compost.
 
Minister for the Environment, Wincy Willis, said it was a great idea because poor people are taking far too long to rot away and that meant little or no room for more house building. 
 
Prime Minister, David Cameroon defended the new tax, saying; “My government and I feel, that poor people take longer to decompose because the cheap food they eat contains so many preservatives. The poor decompose 80% slower than rich people. In real terms, this means we cannot build more houses because the poor are causing a hold up on the cemetery’s”.
 
Finance secretary, Glenda Pound, outlined the costing of the new levy and how the payment method would only penalise the poor.
 
“When a person dies, they will be weighed and measured. The results will be calculated and a designated decomposition clerk will be assigned to the deceased. The clerk will then determine how long the rotting process will take.
 
“At the end of each year, the clerk will decide if that person has decomposed enough to be made into compost. Should the rotting process end before the allotted time, that dead body will get a rebate which will be paid into the government’s private bank account.
 
“So, if person A weighs 10 stone and is 5’6”, that is a calculation of 5 years of rotting, at £50 per annum. We have also introduced a contingency plan, so that if a dead person cannot pay because they are poor, the body will be left at the roadside on a council estate and their next of kin evicted and jailed until the amount due is paid in full
 
The proposed bill is expected to go through The House of Lords next week.

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Filed under Satire