Tag Archives: Clivey Dee

Stepney Stan: The Council Man

alf

This piece was conceived and written by Lord Garfield Hoadley of Tobruk (Mrs) and maliciously edited by The Right Bloody Reverend Clivey Dee, 19.

Look! If that Corbyn geezer came over here and tried to turn the pie and mash shop into a vegan eatery, I should get hold of him by the Gregory and tell him to sling his hook. I’m not having a lily-livered leftie turning my Maureen into a boiler suit-wearing painter and decorator!

She works in the cleaners in the Roman Road Market…Been there for years she has, and anyway, she don’t vote. She’s not been able to go in a polling station ever since Mrs. Thatcher was shafted by John Major in the 80s. Took to her bed for 3 weeks after that she did. Her and the coalman both. So he’s wasting his time ain’t he?

I went to that House Of Parliament once. Full of poofs and
old geezers in flash suits it was. Complete waste of waste of thirty bob.

Anyway, I’m off to me council meeting in a minute. We’re gonna try and ban the Gay and Lesbian Pride march through Aldgate on Saturday”.

I mean to say, you can’t have that sort of caper going on in Stepney can yers? What my nan would have made of all this I shudder to think.

Sir Alf Garnett appears at the top of this skit courtesy of The Tottenham Hotspurs FC Ladies Formation Origami Bastards Appreciation League.

19-year-old editor’s note: This skit will shortly be appearing here:  https://thewhelkwordpresscom.wordpress.com – and so should you to be perfectly honest.

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Classic Pop Song Lyrics for Intellectuals

madonna-like-a-virgin

She actually IS still a virgin you know. A geezer down the pub told me. Oh yes.

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BBC Hail Success Of Cockney Newsreader Experiment

cockney newsreader

“…and nah, ‘ere’s the wevver for the week ahead…gertcha!”

Supposedly written by Gary “Raffles” Hoadley and allegedly read, edited, and posted by Clivey “Dorian”  Dee, 19.

The BBC have hailed the decision to use an East End Cockney to read the local lunchtime news as an overwhelming success. Programme editors felt that the gritty accent, frequent usage of rhyming slang, and working class, down-to-earth attitude could help raise viewing figures, in what has become, an increasingly competitive market.

Mr Clivey Dee, 19, from West Ham and formerly a motor vehicle technician, was snapped up by BBC execs after he was overheard remonstrating with an Olly Murs look-alike outside Broadcasting House earlier this year

Here is a brief transcript of Mr Dee, 19, reading this afternoon’s news broadcast:

“Alright me old china plates? Nah then you mugs… in today’s church pews, a geezer that had it away with the bees an’ honey from a blag at a pedal and crank in Shoreditch last January got ten years bird in the rusty nail earlier today after pleading guilty to taking a diabolical liberty with intent. The boy was slap bang out of order in the view of the Barnaby Rudge who told him he’ll be staying in the shovel and pick until he sorts ‘isself aht”

After his first broadcast, Dee, who at 19 is the youngest newsreader in the Beeb’s history, was upbeat about his future prospects when he spoke to reporters outside Broadcasting House last night:

“I say, those chaps at the Beeb are absolute corkers! Bunty helped me with my diction, while Laura and Rupert went through my lines with me. All in all, it was an absolutely spiffing day and I can’t wait to do the next one to be jolly fair about it. Mummy will be so frightfully proud. Anyway darlings, I must dash; going to a cheese and wine at Covent Garden with Babs and Tarquin from BBC World in an hour. What larks eh?”.

BBC sources say the ratings rose by 30% when Dee was on air, with over 11 million viewers tuning in; an unprecedented high for a news-based broadcast. They are now reportedly planning to feature Pearly Kings and Queens having a knee’s up round the piano in the background during the weather report.

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Government Outlines Plans to Tax The Dead

skeleton
                                                       “Death and Taxes eh folks?”
********************************************************************
Dead funny script by Gary Hoadley. 
Taxing and Editing by Clivey Dee, 19. (deceased)
 
 
 
The Government has announced that dead people will, in future, have to pay Value Added Tax (VAT) on the amount of time it takes them to decompose.
 
Under the terms of the proposed plan, every person that dies after Wednesday 5th January 2016, will pay a VAT accredited tax levy on the time it takes for their entire body to become compost.
 
Minister for the Environment, Wincy Willis, said it was a great idea because poor people are taking far too long to rot away and that meant little or no room for more house building. 
 
Prime Minister, David Cameroon defended the new tax, saying; “My government and I feel, that poor people take longer to decompose because the cheap food they eat contains so many preservatives. The poor decompose 80% slower than rich people. In real terms, this means we cannot build more houses because the poor are causing a hold up on the cemetery’s”.
 
Finance secretary, Glenda Pound, outlined the costing of the new levy and how the payment method would only penalise the poor.
 
“When a person dies, they will be weighed and measured. The results will be calculated and a designated decomposition clerk will be assigned to the deceased. The clerk will then determine how long the rotting process will take.
 
“At the end of each year, the clerk will decide if that person has decomposed enough to be made into compost. Should the rotting process end before the allotted time, that dead body will get a rebate which will be paid into the government’s private bank account.
 
“So, if person A weighs 10 stone and is 5’6”, that is a calculation of 5 years of rotting, at £50 per annum. We have also introduced a contingency plan, so that if a dead person cannot pay because they are poor, the body will be left at the roadside on a council estate and their next of kin evicted and jailed until the amount due is paid in full
 
The proposed bill is expected to go through The House of Lords next week.

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