Tag Archives: Alf Garnet

The Island

alf and elsie
“Look…LOOOOOOOK! It’s all darn to yer evolutionary progress you silly moo!”
The Island by Gary “Di Caprio” Hoadley
In the middle of the South Pacific Ocean
an island sits unobserved.
The inhabitants have been there 
for thousands of years.
King Alf sits on his throne. He is speaking to Queen Elsie.
“Look, looook, I’m the bludy king right, and I say who does what”
“Well, you can’t stop them leaving if they want to”.
“Yes I can! My word is law mate”.
“What if they get a boat and sail off?”
“That, my dear, that is why, I have an army”
“Bunch of geriatric beer drinker’s like you”
“They may be old my dear…I say, they may be old, but they’re as hard as nails”
“Rubbish, they were the first one’s to run and hide when that boat came in”
“That was a tactical withdrawal, luring yer enemy into the trap they was”
“Well, they would have found you all in the pub!”.
“Exactly, they wouldn’t expect to find us there would they?…I mean, we had the advantage, cos the pub see, the pub, it’s got a few windows ain’t it”
“What difference does that make!?”
“Because, my dear, we could see them coming and open fire before they got too close and then – when they was depleted – we charge at ’em.”
“But you lot were drunk by the time the strangers came ashore”
“We just had a few to liven ourselves up before the fray, it’s what your army does in time of invasion, gives the men fortitude and lights the fire of valour”
“Sent you bunch of drunks to sleep, it was me and the girls that saw them off”
“You didn’t see them off! We was there, watching and waiting, with their commander in chief, leading them to the front line of victory!”.
“You were asleep under the billiard table”.
“No I bludy well was not! I was holding a war council under the protection of the billiard table, it was my command centre, got to have one somewhere”
“Rubbish, you were drunk, and so was your so called army, me and the girls saw them intruders off by telling them we had the plague”.
“Look, you great big puddin! I’m the bludy king, see, and you are one of my subjects, so watch out, or…or it’s the bleedin’ chop for you”
“Pig!…I rue the day I married you, my mother told me, told me not to do it!”
“She didn’t complain when I had that house of hers built did she? No, didn’t bludy complain abart me then did she, with all her how’s yer fathers”
“That wasn’t house, it was a mud hut with an inside lavvy”
“She didn’t turn it darn though did she! Bludy moaning old cow”
“Hates you, she does, says you are a tyrant”
“Marvellous…bludy marvellous aint it, you do your best, by the subjects that are supposed to worship and adore you, and what thanks do you get?…A daft old bat complaining abart the hand, the hand that feeds her!”
“It’s your own fault, you should have built the extension like you promised”
“You silly moo! I’m goin’ darn the bludy pub!”
Next week:
The Kings daughter returns
from her honeymoon.


Filed under Humor, Humour, The League Of Mental Men

The Devil Wears A Donkey Jacket

Demonic dialogue by Gary Hoadley. Infernal editing by Clivey Dee



The Devil and his wife are sitting in their lounge.

“Look, what I’m saying is, when Jesus comes back, I wont have
so many working hours, so we will need to cut darn a bit”

“Why is that then?”.

“Cos he’s offered the Nergals and the Hades jobs in His Heaven”.

“How does that effect you then?”

“Gawd’s sake!…Wivart the Nergals and the Hades there won’t
be a bleedin Hell will there, you great, fat, puddin!”.

“So, will they make you redundant?”

“Well, they can try…I mean, you can’t have goodwill to
all men all over the world can yer? You got to ‘ave a bit of bad”.


“Why?…’Cos it’s yer working class right to have a bluddy good drink and a punch up on a Saturday night!  That’s why my dear…it’s tradition innit?”.

“Well Jesus don’t think so”.

“Look…LOOOOK! If they had all listened to Him, I’d have never got the job in the first place”.

“He’s got more followers than your lot”.

“I know, we never had time to write a rule book did we? Bluddy
Communist swine He was! He had it all planned out from the off”.

“It was your lot caused the division”.

“Don’t be bluddy daft my dear! It was them! They wanted  men and women
to walk abart in the nude! We stuck one of our shop stewards in there
and he reported back to the guvnor and that was it.”

“You got thrown out of Eden”.

“We didn’t get thrown out, we formed our own union”.

“Well it hasn’t done you much good has it?”

“You’re bluddy right there! I’m still  stuck darn here
married to you! I’m going darn the pub!”.

Editor’s Footnote: This infernal skit is loosely based on the convoluted interactions between the legendary TV character, Alf Garnet, a committed racist and right wing misogynist, and his long suffering wife, Elsie. He was created by the great Johnny Speight in the 1970s as an East London anti-hero and was a real favourite of mine…despite the fact that a number of people have said that Alf’s accent and my own are indistinguishable…the saucy gits!!!



Filed under Humor, Humour, Satire