Tag Archives: Alf Garnet
Demonic dialogue by Gary Hoadley. Infernal editing by Clivey Dee
The Devil and his wife are sitting in their lounge.
“Look, what I’m saying is, when Jesus comes back, I wont have
so many working hours, so we will need to cut darn a bit”
“Why is that then?”.
“Cos he’s offered the Nergals and the Hades jobs in His Heaven”.
“How does that effect you then?”
“Gawd’s sake!…Wivart the Nergals and the Hades there won’t
be a bleedin Hell will there, you great, fat, puddin!”.
“So, will they make you redundant?”
“Well, they can try…I mean, you can’t have goodwill to
all men all over the world can yer? You got to ‘ave a bit of bad”.
“Why?…’Cos it’s yer working class right to have a bluddy good drink and a punch up on a Saturday night! That’s why my dear…it’s tradition innit?”.
“Well Jesus don’t think so”.
“Look…LOOOOK! If they had all listened to Him, I’d have never got the job in the first place”.
“He’s got more followers than your lot”.
“I know, we never had time to write a rule book did we? Bluddy
Communist swine He was! He had it all planned out from the off”.
“It was your lot caused the division”.
“Don’t be bluddy daft my dear! It was them! They wanted men and women
to walk abart in the nude! We stuck one of our shop stewards in there
and he reported back to the guvnor and that was it.”
“You got thrown out of Eden”.
“We didn’t get thrown out, we formed our own union”.
“Well it hasn’t done you much good has it?”
“You’re bluddy right there! I’m still stuck darn here
married to you! I’m going darn the pub!”.
Editor’s Footnote: This infernal skit is loosely based on the convoluted interactions between the legendary TV character, Alf Garnet, a committed racist and right wing misogynist, and his long suffering wife, Elsie. He was created by the great Johnny Speight in the 1970s as an East London anti-hero and was a real favourite of mine…despite the fact that a number of people have said that Alf’s accent and my own are indistinguishable…the saucy gits!!!