Category Archives: Politics

MEN WHO MOISTURISE WILL BE PUT TO DEATH SAYS GOVERNMENT SPOKESMAN

moisturist

A woman pictured pretending not to care that her ‘moisturist’ boyfriend is a big mincing fairy.

A government spokesman last night revealed that they plan to introduce capital punishment for any man who is found in possession of male grooming products, in particular, facial cleansing, toning, and moisturising creams.

Mr Claude Dee, MP for Bethnal Green, said. “We feel that it’s high time the government stepped in to stop the increasing number of men who are not only purchasing but using male grooming aids. These “moisturists” should be stopped at all costs in our view and if that means bringing back the rope then so be it. One of my female constituents told me last week that she had to wait 40 minutes to get into the bathroom due to her husband being in there applying various creams to his face like a big girly.”

“We hope to get the bill through The Commons within a fortnight and are expecting full cross-party support, apart from the ex-Deputy Speaker, who is against the motion, and who is currently appearing in court facing charges of bumming some of his male constituents in The Palace of Westminster toilets.”

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Filed under fairies, male grooming, Politics, The League Of Mental Men

There Now Follows A Party Election Broadcast On Behalf Of The Gratuitous Violence Party…

vote for clivey

“Your blood on our safe hands”

With only hours until the polling stations open, we, at the Gratuitous Violence Party, would like to issue some last minute veiled threats  advice on why a vote for us would be a vote for a better Britain.

Here are just a few of the pledges we make to the British electorate if we have emerged victorious by this time tomorrow:

1. Every jewellers shop and diamond merchant the length and breadth of the land will be compelled by law (or force) to leave their doors and safes open after close of business.

2. The British police force will be disbanded by the beginning of next week at the latest.

3. Millwall FC’s football stadium and surrounding neighbourhood will be bombed into the stone age just hours after we enter Downing Street while West Ham FC will be awarded the Premier League title and the FA Cup, year in, year out, until we say stop.

4. All West London night clubs, strip joints and casinos will go into sole private ownership (ours)

5. Any WordPress blogger caught using ridiculously excessive superlatives to describe the decidedly average output of somebody who regularly does the same for their own tawdry, ill-conceived scribblings, will be dragged into the street and shot…twice.

6. There is no sixth thing.

Finally, we faithfully pledge that anybody that we suspect may not have voted for us will be given a free tour of Big Gaz’s Basement Of Pain-Wracked Regret. (tyre irons and electrical equipment available for hire on arrival). Relatives or next of kin will be expected to collect any remains at their own expense.

We therefore, threaten urge you most strongly to give us your support today friends. If you want to see a Britain where the cosh and the switchblade knife hold sway and where every citizen dives under the table, shaking like a shitting dog every time there’s a knock on the door, then the Gratuitous Violence Party is for you! So don’t delay, save yourself and your loved ones from a beating today!

Vote GVP for a bloodier Britain!…or else!

Clivey (Gaz didn’t have any hand in this one whatsoever. I shot him repeatedly through the head yesterday in a bitter feud over the Rich Tea biscuits. It’s what he would have wanted…trust me)

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Sadist Surges Ahead In Opinion Poll

danny poster

“Running scared?” Prime Minister, David Cameron, pictured last night. Smudge by “Inchcock”

 

A notorious sadist with convictions for robbery with violence, making threats to kill and assault with a deadly weapon, has registered a shock lead in the latest opinion poll ahead of the forthcoming May general election.

Clivey Dee, aka Danny Soz, an 18 year old satirical magazine editor from East London, is leader of the Lots Of Lashing (LOL) Party  whose political doctrine is based largely on beating people who disagree with their policy of beating people who don’t agree with them.

Speaking from a fully-equipped dungeon beneath the magazine’s office in Whitechapel, East London, Dee told us:

“It’s been a long-held belief of mine that what this country needs is a good, old-fashioned dose of brutality, and these latest poll figures would indicate that I’m not alone in this. In my opinion the sooner we start flogging our detractors to within an inch of their lives the better. My party will set up whipping posts in every town and city throughout Britain so that common criminals, blacks, gays, Eastern Europeans, Americans and other undesirables, can be meted out the summary justice they so richly deserve.

We will also reintroduce the death penalty for the more serious offenders, such as trades unionists, atheists, cross-dressers and Australians. I’m absolutely convinced that only by inflicting acts of extreme violence on certain sections of the community can Britain’s balance of payments be brought under control and peace and tranquility restored to this great nation of ours”

The LOL Party’s closest ideological rival, The United Kingdom Independence Party, issued a defiant statement last night. UKIP leader, Nigel Farage told reporters:

“Soz and his LOL Party cronies are clearly trying to hitch a ride on our coat tails to garner popularity. There can only ever be one party dedicated to persecuting minorities and that’s us. All this talk of flogging the blacks and the incarcerating of political foes is common thuggery to be brutally honest with you, and the first thing I intend to do after winning the election is to have this working class oik and his henchmen beaten bloody with rhino whips and tossed into jail”

The Prime Minister, David Cameron also issued a brief statement from outside 10 Downing Street last night:

“All this talk of beating people is errant nonsense in my view. After all, if people wanted to be subjected to cruel and excessive punishment they’d listen to Justin Bieber records or sit in front of the television watching Homes Under The Hammer”

Clivey

PS. I’ve posted this on here as well as in my spiritual WordPress home, Soz Satire. I did this because I have nothing better to do with my time while I guzzle down tuna sandwiches and mugs of strong tea during my spiritual lunch break. Please don’t think too badly of me or step on my blue suede, steel toe-capped, spiritual workboots.

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Inchcock!

No not selfies featuring Gaz and Mike but a blog post from an old mate of mine and fellow satirist, Gerald “Inchcock” Chambers. We used to work together on a spoof newspaper back in the day until we were both fired by the editor. I was shown the door for racism and Inchy was binned for running out of Lidl without paying for a tin of mackerel in a spicy tomato sauce.

So without further ado here’s one he penned earlier, the thieving, fish-guzzling fucker:

who

WORLD HEALTH ORGANISATION DISCLOSE DETAILS OF NEWLY-DISCOVERED DISEASES


Named Disease:
 HAJ (Had-a-job) Syndrome
Symptoms: Being made redundant through no fault of your own, suicidal feelings, lack of food, and the disappearance of respect.
Most at Risk: The proletariat, anyone not related to, a banker for, or a friend of a Politician, and the millions of unemployed.
Area’s most affected: UK, USA, Australia, and Turkey.

Named Disease:‘Spooninthegobatbirthness’
Symptoms: A snottiness and uncaring attitude develops that cannot be countered. The bank balance and overseas investment accounts increase exponentially.
Most at Risk: Aristocracy, Royalty, Politicians, Footballers, and the Right Honourable William Hague MP (Conservative) First Secretary of State, Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs.
Area’s most affected: All countries not in the East or Middle East.

Named Disease: A.A.D.(Alcoholic Adiction Dysrhythmia)
Symptoms: Finding you have not got any alcoholic addictions, and the concern and worry you get about being so different to everyone else.
Most at Risk: Those under the age of eight.
Area’s most affected: World wide.

Named Disease: Monetary Cystitis
Symptoms: It is extremely painful, nigh on impossible for you to pass on money owed by you.
Most at Risk: Politicians, Dentists, Lawyers, Bankers, Haliburton, and Taxi Drivers.
Area’s most affected: USA and the UK.

Named Disease: Hope Alopecia
Symptoms: A sudden realisation that all hope is lost, other than for the War Mongers, Politicians, bankers, and Haliburton.
Most at Risk: Everyone not connected with the above.
Area’s most affected: USA, UK, and South Upper Mongolia.

Named Disease: Compassion Deficiency Anemia
Symptoms: You couldn’t give a toss about anyone else.
Most at Risk: Most predominant in Senates, Parliament, and Lawyers offices, although likley to be found anywhere.
Area’s most affected: Virtually throughout the world.

Named Disease: Cacospysy (Irregular pulse)
Symptoms: Panic attacks at Government Budget announcement time.
Most at Risk: The poor.
Area’s most affected: Everywhere.

Named Disease: Early Decrepitude disease
Symptoms: Sudden realisation that the poor are getting poorer, and the Rich are getting richer.
Most at Risk: Those who are poor and getting poorer.
Area’s most affected: USA, UK, Sweden, and Italy.

Named Disease: Obsessive-compulsive Politician hating disorder disease
Symptoms: Spitting, swearing, frustration and extreme poverty
Most at Risk: Anyone not related or business partners to politicians, blackmailers, NHS workers, those made redundant, NHS patients, French citizens and Europhiles .
Area’s most affected: UK, Europe.

In the event that you should feel or find any of the above symptoms coming on, do not consult your Doctor who will be too rich to be bothered to understand your frustrations and problems.
You should consider suicide, alcoholism, hibernation, or becoming a Politician.

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“Tony Blair Wanted To Look At My Pants” Newcastle Woman’s Shock Claim

tony blair

That Mrs Thatcher’s not a bad looking woman you know. I wonder if she’s wearing any”

 

In a revealing interview, a former female friend of ex-British prime minister, Tony Blair, claims that he once asked her to show him her pants as they played together on a Newcastle bomb site in 1960 when they were both aged 7.

Mrs Geraldine Terry, now 61, told The Tyne & Wear Gazette. “It was a lovely summer’s day and Tony and myself were playing on a piece of wasteground just behind our houses. I wanted to build a den but all Tony wanted to do was play war all the time. Eventually he gave me a hand and we built a small shelter from bits of corrugated iron and some roof joists from one of the bombed out houses. We went inside and just as I was about to put the imaginary kettle on to make us some tea, Tony blurted out that he wanted to see my pants.

“I was a bit reticent at first, but I was scared that if I didn’t do as he asked he’d go home early for his tea and leave me on my own. When I lifted my dress up he just stared at my pants for a while and then ran away. I think he might have been crying.

“To be fair he never once asked to look at them again but I did once catch him rifling through my mum’s underwear drawer when she was out at work and he’d come round to mine for some jam sandwiches”

Blair’s press officer issued a statement last night, categorically denying the claim. “Mr Blair strongly denies this spurious and outrageous claim. He has never asked to see this lady’s underwear nor anybody else’s for that matter.  In all honesty why would he? After all he has an extremely well-stocked knickers drawer of his own”

Blair himself was unavailable for comment last night as he is currently doing two month’s voluntary service, working behind the counter at a lingerie boutique in Gateshead.

Clivey.

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