Clivey & Gaz in: Doin’ Time

 

Clive and Gaz - Trotter Van 1

Feloniously written by Gary “Mr Knuckles” Hoadley. Angelically edited by Clivey “Baby Face” Dee, aged 19.

 

Clivey and Gaz, are residents of Her Majesty’s Prison, Steeple Bumstead. They occupy  Cell 23 on “The Ones”, in which, the following discourse takes place

 

“We’ve done it now Clivey”
“Yeah, bludy five years”
“I thought they would give us two and a half each”
“Not that “Hanging” Judge Judy mate, she’s a right steel magnolia”
“Yeah Clivey, a right steel magnet. Still, I suppose that’s what you get when you rob Buckingham Palace”
“You told me Gaz, that the crown jewels were under the bed”
“Well Clivey, that’s what unreliable Ronnie told me”
“Still, we weren’t to know Prince Philip was in bed”
“Nah, shame he rolled off onto that Corgi”
“Gave the Queen the right hump Gaz”
“I thought she was going to have our heads Clivey”
“Them soldiers in the big hats gave us a chase Gaz”
“Oh, was they hats? I thought it was their haircuts Clivey”
“Now, we ‘ave got to be careful in here Gaz”
“Why’s that Clivey?”
“Too many people running to the screws telling tales”
“You are right Clivey, I overheard the gardening party talking about
a Jewish informer”
“What’s his name Gaz?”
“Mo The Grass”
“Fuck’s sake”
“We need an escape plan Gaz”
“Where we going to escape to Clivey?”
“Spain Gaz, Spain”
“Which one is nearer?”
“Do what?”
“Out of the two Spains you mentioned. Which is the closest?”
“I wonder about you sometimes Gaz”
“Cheers mate”
“Where can we get a rope, a hacksaw, and a ladder?”
“Under my bed Clivey”
“Under your bed Gaz?”
“Yeah”
“How did you manage to smuggle them in Gaz?”
“Under my hat Clivey”
“You don’t have a hat Gaz”
“Blimey, it’s lucky they didn’t spot them then Clivey”…

That night, the two lads begin sawing at the bars in their peter.
When the coast is clear, they sling the rope out into the abyss
and began to climb down…

“It’s a long way down Clivey”
“I know mate. I thought we were on the ground floor Gaz”
“Maybe they got a basement Clivey”
“Knowing our luck, it’s next door to a zoo”
“Can you hear growling Gaz?”
“I thought it was your stomach mate”

The lads hit the ground with a thud.
In front of them, lies a huge lion, sleeping…

“I knew it! It’s a fuckin zoo Gaz!”
“Ere, look at that lion, how we going to get past him?”
“I will show you Gaz”

With that, Clivey takes a step back, and kicks the lion
in the testicles as hard as he can. As he’s running
away, he turns and shouts to Gaz…

“Gaz! Run like fuck before it gets up!”
“Sod off! I’m not running anywhere mate! After all, it wasn’t me that kicked him in the bollocks”…

Curtain falls

Clivey & Gaz are currently appearing at Bow Street Magistrates Court, charged with affray, going equipped, resisting arrest, possession of an illegal firearm, and watching BBC iPlayer without a licence

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5 Comments

Filed under Humor, Humour, Satire

5 responses to “Clivey & Gaz in: Doin’ Time

  1. Rubbish lads. Got any money? Serious question

    Like

  2. Is this for real? Or is it pretend?
    Mrs Ivana Nuff
    Yerkmenistan

    Liked by 1 person

PLEASE BE GENTLE. WE SATIRISTS CAN DISH IT OUT BUT WE CAN'T TAKE IT.

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