The Battle of Waterloo: An Everyday Story of Slaughtering Folk

waterloo

“Go to it my brave boys! I want at least three pubs named after me by sunset!”

Explosive prose by Sir Garfield Hoadley DSO & Public Bar. Incendiary editing by Lord Dee of Cliveypops (Mrs)
 
 
Sunday 18th June 1815.
 
The French attack Wellington’s Army at Mont-Saint-Jean.
One hundred cannon blast the Belgian road. Wellington is roused from his bed.
 
“Sir! The French are attacking with cannon”.
 
“Get my horse”.
 
“What flavour sir?”
 
“What?”
 
“The sauce sir”.
 
“Horse Jones! Horse!”.
 
“Yes Sir”.
 
Wellington rides up the Belgian road to
Ohain road. He spots that Napoleon is moving
Lancers to his right. 
 
“Tell the infantry to use the reverse slope defence”.
 
“Which one sir?”
 
“Which what?”
 
“Which fence do you want them to mend sir?”
 
“Slope defence Jones! Are you mad man!”
 
“No Sir, it’s the cannon sir”.
 
“They are noisy buggers”.
 
Wellington finds an Elm tree in the middle of 
Brussels Road. This would be his command post
for most of the day.
 
“Take a message to the Scots Greys Jones”.
 
“Yes Sir”.
“Double to the flank”.
 
“There’re not open on a Sunday sir”.
 
“Who?”
 
“The bank sir”.
 
“What are you talking about Jones?”
 
“The Scots Grey’s sir”.
 
“The flank Jones, the flank!”.
 
“Yes Sir”.
 
Napoleon now orders an attack on Hougoumont.
Wellington counters with infantry and cavalry.
 
“Jones!”
 
“Sir!”
 
“Tell Uxbridge to send in the First Brigade”.
 
“We don’t have one sir”.
 
“What!”
 
“Fire Brigade sir”.
 
“Household Jones! Household Brigade”.
 
“Right ho Sir”.
 
Jones returns gasping for breath. He has lost his 
horse and sustained a wound to his arm.
 
“What happened Jones?”
 
“Caught in the cross fire sir”.
 
“How many dead?”
 
“About thirty loaves ir”.
 
“For god’s sake Jones, sort those ears out!”
 
“Where are they sir?”
“What!?”
 
“The spears sir”
 
“Ears! Jones, ears!”.
 
“Sir!”
 
Wellington’s Anglo army has taken a beating. Over the 
Horizon come the Prussians. Napoleon has now retreated
to a small square. The end is in sight. After a wave of 
heavy cavalry charges, all is lost and Napoleon defeated.
Wellington lights a cheroot. 
 
“Is that it sir, is it over?”.
 
“Yes Jones, we are victorious”.
 
“What will happen to Napoleon?”
 
“He will be exiled”.
 
“Where to sir”.
 
“St Helena”.
 
“I think he would prefer Wigan sir”.
 
A gunshot pierces the calm of the night air.
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3 Comments

Filed under Satire

3 responses to “The Battle of Waterloo: An Everyday Story of Slaughtering Folk

  1. So, “The comic History of England” survives nowadays? Great newes. Any way If you want to take a walk on the eruditous -but gentle- side of the Battle try to read “Seventy images for hundred days”, tha last surviving exhibition about the Battle as a book.
    http://www.amazon.com/Seventy-images-Hundred-permanent-exhibition/dp/1523204877/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1457435248&sr=1-1&keywords=Seventy+images+for+hundred+days

    Farewell, satirits : ))

    Liked by 1 person

PLEASE BE GENTLE. WE SATIRISTS CAN DISH IT OUT BUT WE CAN'T TAKE IT.

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