Following the recent spate of stabbings in the capital, London’s teenage boys have now been officially listed as a critically-endangered species by The International Union for Conservation of Nature, it emerged last night.
The IUCN have announced emergency plans to protect the youngsters, which will include the appointment of armed game wardens, licenced to shoot to kill any person or persons perceived to be posing a threat to their survival.
Designated, postcode-based conservation areas will also be introduced where the youths will be free to roam with other members of their species without fear of being preyed upon by rival teens from other parts of London.
These fenced-in areas will contain at least one amusement arcade, a skateboard park and an Asian-run convenience store where underage youngsters will be able to buy staples vital to their survival, (such as cigarettes, kitchen knives, and premium strength lager)
A spokesman for the ICUN said last night: “We felt that urgent measures were needed to protect these creatures who were being hunted for their valuable trainers and mobile phones by unscrupulous teens from neighbouring areas. In Tower Hamlets alone, numbers have dwindled alarmingly, whilst in Croydon only two breeding pairs remain in the wild”
The teens will now join other critically-endangered species on the ICUN list which currently includes: the African wild ass, the brown spider monkey, the northern hairy-nosed wombat and the lesser-spotted teenaged Essex virgin.