“I’ll Crush Daesh Using My Great Big Face”: Olly Murs’ Defiant Vow

Olly

British pop icon, Olly Murs, has issued a defiant threat to the so-called, Islamic State, or Daesh, vowing to use his enormous face to obliterate them in their Syrian stronghold of Racca within the next few days.

The plan, which has been approved by an emergency meeting of the United Nations Security Council, is for Murs to run as fast as he can towards the beleaguered city until he reaches the outskirts. He will then be tripped up by an American general, causing him to fall face down – crushing the Daesh army beneath his massive face.

Murs, 12, spoke to reporters last night before being airlifted to the Syrian desert by two British Army Chinook helicopters:

“I’ve used my great big face for a number of humanitarian purposes in the past, including, the stabilising of The Leaning Tower of Pisa, and to provide housing for Britain’s homeless, but this will undoubtedly be my greatest achievement. To think that my gigantic dial will crush the biggest threat to mankind since the rise of Hitler’s Nazis in the 1930s is pretty awesome. I can’t wait to get out into that desert to be honest”.

It is believed that Murs also wanted to perform his latest hit single through a megaphone outside the city gates as a battle cry, but the UN ruled it out on humanitarian grounds.

“It would make us as barbaric as the fiends we’re trying to wipe out,” said UN Secretary Ban Ki-moon last night.

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1 Comment

Filed under Satire

One response to ““I’ll Crush Daesh Using My Great Big Face”: Olly Murs’ Defiant Vow

  1. Reblogged this on SOZ SATIRE and commented:
    Cometh the hour, cometh the big-faced fuck!

    Like

PLEASE BE GENTLE. WE SATIRISTS CAN DISH IT OUT BUT WE CAN'T TAKE IT.

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