artists impression of a jihadist in torment after a good fracking
The Green Party last night outlined plans to counter the threat emanating from fundamentalist Islam by introducing a program of intensive fracking in Daesh-held strongholds.
They believe that the resultant devastation will wipe the extremists from the face of the earth and bring about a new golden age of verdant landscapes, humanely-reared farmyard animals and organic sausages for all.
Speaking to reporters last night, Green Party military advisor, Tarquin Beard, said:
“In the light of the recent tragic events in Paris, we at the Green Party have decided to take off the vegetarian kid gloves and get tough with these unpleasant chaps. We believe, that only by introducing fracking to the regions where Daesh hold sway, will the world finally be free of their menace. As you are all no doubt aware, fracking has already claimed millions of American lives in the the 20 years or so since its introduction, so why not turn its destructive power on those who would cause us harm?
“Admittedly, the Americans claim that the death toll was mainly down to the aging process, drive by shootings, and morbid obesity-related issues, but we know different. It was fracking that killed them just as one day it will wipe all of mankind from the face of the earth – but in the meantime, we believe it could be harnessed and used as a force to rid mankind of this evil ideology”
When questioned about the possible effect on other living creatures in the region, Mr Beard became agitated and stumbled from the room, muttering something about building an ark.
AUTHOR’S NOTE: Fracking is the process by which shale gas is extracted from the earth’s crust by forcing water into bore holes at extreme high pressure, forcing the gas upwards and killing anyone unlucky enough to be living in the vicinity at the time. Just ask the Americans…if you can find a live one that is.