Thousands of childless couples are to be denied fertility treatment after a number of clinical control groups across the country announced the withdrawal of National Health Service-funded IVF treatment.
A Health Ministry spokesperson told us: “While the government sympathises with people, who, in some cases, have been waiting a number of years for IVF, we feel that during a time of adversity, money has to be used wisely and at this point in time fertility treatment has to take a back seat for the time being. In the government’s opinion, couples who want to start a family should use the tried and trusted method of sexual intercourse. We realise, that in many cases people will be too fatigued after work or too busy chatting on social media to copulate, but under the circumstances we are left with no alternative and they will just have to accept it. Having IVF treatment is taking the soft option. It’s just plain lazy in our view”
One childless couple we spoke to were clearly upset by the news. Mrs Tracy Dell, 27, said: “This is a shattering blow to my husband and myself. We’ve been avoiding sex for 5 years in the hope of being accepted for IVF and now I’m going to have to put up with having him mauling my tits about and puffing and blowing in my earole. It’s just not fair!”
Her husband, Steve, also 27, was almost close to tears as he told us: “I knew this government were a heartless bunch but this is just unacceptable. I mean to say, have you seen the bloody state of my missus? I wouldn’t touch her with somebody else’s to be honest!”
Health Minister Jeremy Hunt told journalists outside the House Of Commons: “If it’s good enough for The Queen and Prince Philip, it’s good enough for the proles”
Danny SoZ aged 19.