A weekly look at the world of painting and suchlike with our art expert: Gary “The Human Turps Rag” Hoadley
Vincent Van Cough
Vincent Willem Van Cough was born in Dutch a very long time ago.
As a young man, he liked to paint, and would often decorate his family home.
This caused some consternation, because his mum and dad didn’t like magnolia.
After travelling to the Hague and Paris, Vincent arrived in Isleworth, Middlesex.
His first job was painting lamp posts for the council, but this did not last long
because he kept falling off the ladder or setting fire to himself with the blow torch. He then found work as an art teacher at Holme Court, a school for young ladies. This lasted nine months, after which, he had it away on his toes following an unfortunate, childbirth incident..
Arriving back in Dutch, Vincent got a job in a book shop in Dordrecht.
Unfortunately, the feds got the nod, and it was raided a few weeks later.
Without money and a place to kip, Vincent moved to Brussels where he became a pavement artist. He drew many famous faces; among them, the noted artist, Willem Roelofs. Roelofs suggested Vincent attend the Royal Academy. So he did.
After a few weeks, he copped a dose of gonorrhea off of a young lady and went into hospital.
In 1886, Vincent moved to Paris; it was here, that he would finally become an artist.
Vincent painted; “The Blooming Plumtree” He put it outside his lodgings.
A man approached and asked if it was for sale. Vincent replied: “If that painting don’t sell, I will cut me own ear off”
“Let’s hope you only paint the two pictures then mate” came the retort.
1888 was Vincent’s best year. He painted several canvases, including: The Yellow House”, “Bedroom in Arles”, and “The Red Vineyard” Unfortunately, he found them hard to sell because he was now as mad as a hatter. One young lady refused to buy “The Blooming Plumtree” because he tried to close the deal from the bottom of a manhole dressed as Lady Carolyn Lamb. Utterly distraught, Vincent cut off his left ear and handed it over to her saying: “Keep this object like a treasure” A day later, he saw a local dog chewing it in the street. Vincent began drinking heavily, and smoking dog ends.
On the 27th of July 1870, aged 37, Vincent Van Cough shot himself in the face, although no gun was found nearby. He did not die however, somehow making it back to his residence where he was attended by two local quacks. They gave him an aspirin and told him not to go dancing for a few days. Infection set in and he died, 29 hours later.
His brother Theo, who was with him at the end, asked Vincent if he had “been taking his fucking pills” Theo said his last words were: “Can you speak up a bit please?” Art experts are divided on the reason for this, but the consensus is that it was due to his missing ear.
This spoof was written in oils by Gary Hoadley and edited and exhibited by Clivey Dee, 19, during his blue period.