FOOD STANDARDS CRITERIA TO BE INTRODUCED BY AER LINGUS FOLLOWING PASSENGER-BITING TRAGEDY

air hostess

Following yesterday’s tragic events when an Aer Lingus passenger died after biting a fellow traveller on a flight from Dublin to Lisbon, the Irish airline’s passengers will now be subjected to stringent checks by food hygiene officers on all future flights.

A spokesperson for the Food Standards Authority said last night: “At the request of the Aviation Authority we will be vetting all passengers on future Aer Lingus flights to ensure that everyone on board is fit for human consumption. Tissue and blood samples will be taken from each passenger after they have gone through the metal detector at Passport Control. The process is both quick and painless, and will ensure that only the freshest passengers will be on each flight”.

Aer Lingus themselves issued a brief statement last night: “We welcome these measures and will cooperate fully with the relevant authorities. We pride ourselves on our customer care and that includes ensuring that all our passengers are fully edible and pose no health risk to any fellow traveller who wishes to consume them during flights”

Unconfirmed reports last night claimed that two would-be passengers have already fallen foul of the new regulations. An Aer Lingus insider told us that the rotund broadcaster and TV personality, Vanessa Feltz, has been refused permission to board a flight to Barcelona for exceeding the recommended daily amount of saturated fat; while controversial columnist and TV show hostess, Katie Hopkins, has been quarantined at Dublin Airport where a food standards inspector described her as being “absolutely rancid”

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PLEASE BE GENTLE. WE SATIRISTS CAN DISH IT OUT BUT WE CAN'T TAKE IT.

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