THE PASSION OF THE BITCH: “NEW JESUS” KATIE HOPKINS CRUCIFIED BY CHEERING MOB

It’s been reported that, following her claim to be “the new Jesus”, the self-styled uber-bitch and darling of the right, Katie Hopkins, has been abducted from outside a London restaurant by members of the public and dragged to the top of a nearby council rubbish tip where she was then nailed to a cross and left to die as a cheering mob of her Twitter followers made merry, drinking and dancing as they witnessed her final agony.

It is believed that her whereabouts had earlier been betrayed by one of her own followers who had spent the evening with her at a dinner party, attended by many well-known members of the right-wing press.

An eye-witness to the event told reporters:

“It was pretty awesome to be honest with you. They made her lug this bloody great cross all the way down The Mile End Road while people lined the street, cheering wildly. At one point, she stumbled and a bloke from the crowd ran out and gave her a sip from his can of lager before helping her back to her feet. He then carried the cross the rest of the way and gave her a thumbs-up sign as she was being nailed up. I can’t be certain, but it looked like Rupert Murdoch. After a few hours, it was obvious she was in a bad way, but just before she went, she called out “Forgive them Farage for they know not what they do”

Another eye witness, Mr Jeremy Clarkson, 75, a jobless motoring journalist from Doncaster, said: “I missed some of it, as I was having a fight with an ex-colleague, but I managed to catch the end and I have to say it was pretty impressive. As her head fell forward and to the side, the rain stopped, the sky seemed to lighten and the sun came out. Birds began singing and there seemed to be a general air of celebration and relief. Somebody went down the off-licence and we all had a few beers and started singing: “Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life”

In a bizarre postscript to the evening’s events; the outspoken, right-wing journalist, Richard “You couldn’t make it up” Littlejohn, was later found hanging from a nearby tree with 30 pence in loose change scattered on the ground beneath him.