LOMM’S HEAVILY EDITED CLASSICS IN COCKNEY

pride with caps
1 – War And Peace by Leo Tolstoy.

“Blimey that Napoleon’s a bit of a mouthy bleeder Ivan. I see trouble ahead my son”

BOOM!.. BOOM!… BLAM!… BOOM!… KAPOOOW!… GNNNNNNNN!

“Christ, thank Gawd that’s over Katerina. Peace at last sweedart!… Gissa kiss Treacle”

******************************

2 – Oliver Twist by Charles Dickens

“It’s a little geezer Mr Bumble. The muvver died in childbirth the poor little mare”

“Bow to the board you little toerag!”

“You gotta pick a pocket or two Oliver my dear”

“I’m your long lost grandad. Here’s a load of lovely lolly squire. Now come and live wiv me in my big old drum in London”

****************************

3 – Moby Dick by Herman Melville

“I’m gonna nail that big fat white bleeder if it’s the last fing I do, so ‘elp me!”

AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! WOT A BLEEDIN’ SICKENER!… glub glub glub…UNH!

***********************************

4 – Crime And Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevsky.

“Blimey I’m skint again. I think I’ll go and turn over that curmudgeonly old money lender woman and her half-daft daughter. I just ‘ope I don’t murder ’em by accident like”

“Bollocks!”

“I love yer princess, and I’ll marry yer as soon as I get aaht of the shovel and pick. Know wot I mean darlin’?”

************************************

5 – Pride And Prejudice by Jane Austen

“I ‘ate that Mr Darcy big time. ‘e’s such a flash monkey, with his big old gaff in the country and his diabolical, condescending attitude”

SPLASH!… *swim, swim, puff, pant, wheeze*

“Oh I dunno though. ‘e’s not as bad as I thought to be fair. ‘op on Mr D!

The End innit

Advertisements

10 Comments

Filed under Humour

10 responses to “LOMM’S HEAVILY EDITED CLASSICS IN COCKNEY

  1. You could have saved me a lot of time in college.

    Like

  2. These are all great. I especially like the second half of Moby Dick. I wish the original novel had been this short.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Great game for Christmas Day… x

    Like

PLEASE BE GENTLE. WE SATIRISTS CAN DISH IT OUT BUT WE CAN'T TAKE IT.

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s