ASK PC TED STUPOR: THE DRINK-ADDLED LONDON BOBBY YOU CAN TRUST

Dear PC Stupor

I’m a young mother living in London with two lively toddlers and I’m becoming increasingly concerned about the problem of dog fouling in our area. I’m all too aware of the health risks attached to coming into contact with dog faeces and I’m terrified that one or both of my little ones, will contract something nasty as a result. I wish the police would address themselves to this issue a little more diligently as I’m at my wits end with worry. Perhaps you could have a word with your superiors and ask them to get the dog fouling bylaws enforced more strictly before a tragedy occurs.

Yours Faithfully

Tracy Dell (Mrs)
Bromley-By-Bow
East London

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Dear Mrs Dell

Evenin’ all.

As a serving London bobby with over 25 years service under my belt, I hear concerns such as yours raised on an an-almost-daily basis, and my answer is always the same.

Whenever you begin to worry about the possibly debilitating effects that coming into contact with dog mess might have on your two youngsters, simply leave them with a neighbor and go down the pub for a skinful. I guarantee, that after your 6th or 7th pint, you won’t give a monkey’s about dog shit, your kids, or pretty much anything else to be honest. All you’ll be worried about is getting as many pints down your neck as possible before closing time.

I hope this puts your mind at rest my dear, and as an added treat for your kiddywinks, I’m enclosing a pic of my faithful police dog and loyal companion: Rin Tin Tinny.

Evenin’ All.

Regards
Ted. (PC)
The Lord Rodney’s Head (Saloon Bar)
Whitechapel
East London

This skit is dedicated to the memory of Glasgow detective: “Stoker”, who lived life to the full and was laid to rest on 7/10/2015. I raise a glass of ‘the big boay’s ginger’ to him and offer my heartfelt condolences to his grieving loved ones. May he rest in peace..