BAT CAN & ROB TIN: THE DYNAMIC BUT INEFFECTUAL, CRIME-FIGHTING TINS OF BEANS

It was 2.30am, and, following a tip-off, myself and my youthful ward, Rob Tin, were on the top shelf in Sandeep Patel’s grocery store and off-license in Poplar, East London.

Suddenly, there was the unmistakable sound of breaking glass and we readied ourselves to spring into action. Two shadowy figures came into view and we watched as they began to make their way towards the fridge containing a variety of reasonably priced beers and premium strength lagers.

As the raiders started to fill their black bin-liners with their precious booty we knew it was time to ditch our mild-mannered alter-egos, to don our capes and cowls, and to tackle the contemptible fiends without delay.

Sadly, we were thwarted by the fact that we’re tins of beans and we just had to watch helplessly as they walked off with the fizzy grog.

NEXT WEEK: We’re joined by our crime-busting, feline aide, Cat Food Woman, as we allow two masked men to walk off scot-free with a case of Jim Beam and the cash register from a Polish goods shop in Camden Town.