“Would you care for dessert Mr Blatter? It’s your favourite, Lard Crumble In Sump Oil Sauce”
News emerged last night that FIFA president, Sepp Blatter, has spent the last 3 months locked in his office, where he spends the entire day gorging himself on crisps and fizzy drinks; pausing only for trips to the bathroom when a close aide moves him from his desk with a fork lift truck and deposits his huge bulk on a specially reinforced toilet in the corner of the room. His food intake is now so vast it is believed the beleaguered Swiss tips the scales at a gut-busting 60 stone and often takes over two hours to evacuate his bowel, especially if he gets one wedged in the bomb bay.
Critics believe that Blatter, who stubbornly refuses to admit having been involved in the corruption scandal that has blighted FIFA since the beginning of the year, has piled on the pounds in a cynical attempt to become so obese it will become impossible to remove him from his office and that he’ll be allowed to remain indefinitely, until he either dies of old age, or explodes.
The man widely-tipped to succeed Blatter, the French head of the European soccer governing body, UEFA, Michel Platini, spoke to reporters last night: “I’ve heard the rumours that Mr Blatter has gained a few pounds over the last few months, but I simply don’t believe this is a ploy to remain in office – and if it is – we’ll just have to build another headquarters somewhere else and leave him to it. One of the oil-rich regions perhaps. Yes, that’s probably what we’ll do. It’ll be in the best interests of the game you see?”