How To “Facebook” With No PC or Device: A Poor Person’s Guide.


A 75 year old trawlerman from Lowestoft displaying his latest FB avatar last night.

Avatar Simulation: Enlarge a particularly flattering picture of yourself taken a least two decades ago and walk around the streets with it glued to your face. Singularly unattractive people may prefer to use their favourite celebrity such as George Clooney or Rachel Weiss. You’ll be fooling nobody mind you.

Friending: Approach a complete stranger in the street, ask them for directions and then, over the next few weeks, gently probe them for intimate details of their private life before discussing them down the pub.

Unfriending: Approach the same person a few weeks later and kick them up the arse

Liking: Sidle up to somebody who’s engaged in a private conversation, nudge them in the ribs and give them a thumbs up sign.

Sharing: Break into somebody’s house and steal a painting or photograph from their wall before parading around the streets holding it aloft. Thick people who would rather others didn’t realise how utterly cretinous they were could walk the streets wearing a sandwich board bearing a quotation from Plato or similar.

Commenting: Eavesdrop on somebody’s private conversation and then chime in by saying “So true!” Advanced Facebookers may wish to then smother the speaker with kisses before referring to them as “babes”,” hun”, “girlfriend” or “bro”

Private Messaging: Approach somebody you vaguely know, and then, in a conspiratorial manner, whisper to them that somebody else you both vaguely know is a cunt. Pig ugly men with small penises and no prospect of getting a girlfriend could also take this opportunity to make an inappropriate remark to a female with their miserable little cock hanging out.

Blocking: Use the electoral roll to find the address of somebody who gets on your nerves and then shoot them in the face on their doorstep.

Deactivating Account: Swallow a few handfuls of Paracetemol and drink a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Clivey “No I have no interest in looking at your fucking dog/cat, hideous children, house, garden, wallpaper or sexual organs so kindly fuck off”


1 Comment

Filed under Facebook, soz satire, The League Of Mental Men

One response to “How To “Facebook” With No PC or Device: A Poor Person’s Guide.

  1. Reblogged this on SOZ SATIRE and commented:
    Might come in handy if an immigrant takes your job this one…

    Liked by 1 person


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