CREMATORIUM MONTHLY NEWSLETTER

“Turned out nice again I see”

Bare bones of the story by Gary “Tin Ribs” Hoadley. Fleshed out and brought to life by Clivey “The Pelvis” Dee, 19.

Hello All. Welcome to another edition of our fun-packed magazine.

Last month, Mr E. Winter from Devon, wrote to the editor complaining about the sniggering from two of our members while burying his wife. I have spoken to those involved and they explained that Mr Winters wife had died of Leprosy, and while lowering the open coffin into the hole, her nose fell off. They tried to carry on, but dropped the box, and when they looked, her ears had fallen off as well. I have apologised to Mr Winter for this unfortunate occurrence.

This month’s Golden Spade goes to Harold Blot from the Bolton Cemetery for digging the grave of 52 stone Mr Ardle Yeadon. As a precaution, Harold coated the sides of the hole with margarine from his sandwiches. That’s dedication.

Spelforth Crematorium and Cemetery secretary, Mrs Edna Numbly, has asked me to point out to members, that the furnaces are not for frying eggs and bacon, or for making toast. Families of the deceased are complaining about the smell.

This year’s Summer Ball will be held at the Grimshaw Brothers Funeral home. Can I stress to all members, please do NOT,  interfere with the deceased. After last year’s party, the family of a deceased loved one came to view the body. When the lid was lifted, the deceased had a carrot up his nose, a cocktail sausage sticking out of his zipper, and his eyebrows had been singed.

Finally, The “Spot The Mound Of Earth” competition has now closed and the results will be read out at the Summer Bash. The prize will be a weeks gravedigging in the Welsh Horeb Chapel in Myrthyr Tidfil.

See you next month.