“…and nah, ‘ere’s the wevver for the week ahead…gertcha!”
Supposedly written by Gary “Raffles” Hoadley and allegedly read, edited, and posted by Clivey “Dorian” Dee, 19.
The BBC have hailed the decision to use an East End Cockney to read the local lunchtime news as an overwhelming success. Programme editors felt that the gritty accent, frequent usage of rhyming slang, and working class, down-to-earth attitude could help raise viewing figures, in what has become, an increasingly competitive market.
Mr Clivey Dee, 19, from West Ham and formerly a motor vehicle technician, was snapped up by BBC execs after he was overheard remonstrating with an Olly Murs look-alike outside Broadcasting House earlier this year
Here is a brief transcript of Mr Dee, 19, reading this afternoon’s news broadcast:
“Alright me old china plates? Nah then you mugs… in today’s church pews, a geezer that had it away with the bees an’ honey from a blag at a pedal and crank in Shoreditch last January got ten years bird in the rusty nail earlier today after pleading guilty to taking a diabolical liberty with intent. The boy was slap bang out of order in the view of the Barnaby Rudge who told him he’ll be staying in the shovel and pick until he sorts ‘isself aht”
After his first broadcast, Dee, who at 19 is the youngest newsreader in the Beeb’s history, was upbeat about his future prospects when he spoke to reporters outside Broadcasting House last night:
“I say, those chaps at the Beeb are absolute corkers! Bunty helped me with my diction, while Laura and Rupert went through my lines with me. All in all, it was an absolutely spiffing day and I can’t wait to do the next one to be jolly fair about it. Mummy will be so frightfully proud. Anyway darlings, I must dash; going to a cheese and wine at Covent Garden with Babs and Tarquin from BBC World in an hour. What larks eh?”.
BBC sources say the ratings rose by 30% when Dee was on air, with over 11 million viewers tuning in; an unprecedented high for a news-based broadcast. They are now reportedly planning to feature Pearly Kings and Queens having a knee’s up round the piano in the background during the weather report.