The Island

alf and elsie
“Look…LOOOOOOOK! It’s all darn to yer evolutionary progress you silly moo!”
The Island by Gary “Di Caprio” Hoadley
In the middle of the South Pacific Ocean
an island sits unobserved.
The inhabitants have been there 
for thousands of years.
King Alf sits on his throne. He is speaking to Queen Elsie.
“Look, looook, I’m the bludy king right, and I say who does what”
“Well, you can’t stop them leaving if they want to”.
“Yes I can! My word is law mate”.
“What if they get a boat and sail off?”
“That, my dear, that is why, I have an army”
“Bunch of geriatric beer drinker’s like you”
“They may be old my dear…I say, they may be old, but they’re as hard as nails”
“Rubbish, they were the first one’s to run and hide when that boat came in”
“That was a tactical withdrawal, luring yer enemy into the trap they was”
“Well, they would have found you all in the pub!”.
“Exactly, they wouldn’t expect to find us there would they?…I mean, we had the advantage, cos the pub see, the pub, it’s got a few windows ain’t it”
“What difference does that make!?”
“Because, my dear, we could see them coming and open fire before they got too close and then – when they was depleted – we charge at ’em.”
“But you lot were drunk by the time the strangers came ashore”
“We just had a few to liven ourselves up before the fray, it’s what your army does in time of invasion, gives the men fortitude and lights the fire of valour”
“Sent you bunch of drunks to sleep, it was me and the girls that saw them off”
“You didn’t see them off! We was there, watching and waiting, with their commander in chief, leading them to the front line of victory!”.
“You were asleep under the billiard table”.
“No I bludy well was not! I was holding a war council under the protection of the billiard table, it was my command centre, got to have one somewhere”
“Rubbish, you were drunk, and so was your so called army, me and the girls saw them intruders off by telling them we had the plague”.
“Look, you great big puddin! I’m the bludy king, see, and you are one of my subjects, so watch out, or…or it’s the bleedin’ chop for you”
“Pig!…I rue the day I married you, my mother told me, told me not to do it!”
“She didn’t complain when I had that house of hers built did she? No, didn’t bludy complain abart me then did she, with all her how’s yer fathers”
“That wasn’t house, it was a mud hut with an inside lavvy”
“She didn’t turn it darn though did she! Bludy moaning old cow”
“Hates you, she does, says you are a tyrant”
“Marvellous…bludy marvellous aint it, you do your best, by the subjects that are supposed to worship and adore you, and what thanks do you get?…A daft old bat complaining abart the hand, the hand that feeds her!”
“It’s your own fault, you should have built the extension like you promised”
“You silly moo! I’m goin’ darn the bludy pub!”
Next week:
The Kings daughter returns
from her honeymoon.


Filed under Humor, Humour, The League Of Mental Men

2 responses to “The Island

  1. Another great literary masterpiece from the legend that is…Gary Hoadley.
    And I for one, will read all of this when I get the time.
    Mrs Thrope
    Roman Road Market
    Bethnal Green


  2. Complete and utter rubbish, I nearly read the bludy thing!
    Mrs Henry Tudor
    Windsor Castle
    Hampton Court
    Kingston Upon Thames



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