There Now Follows A Party Election Broadcast On Behalf Of The Gratuitous Violence Party…

vote for clivey

“Your blood on our safe hands”

With only hours until the polling stations open, we, at the Gratuitous Violence Party, would like to issue some last minute veiled threats  advice on why a vote for us would be a vote for a better Britain.

Here are just a few of the pledges we make to the British electorate if we have emerged victorious by this time tomorrow:

1. Every jewellers shop and diamond merchant the length and breadth of the land will be compelled by law (or force) to leave their doors and safes open after close of business.

2. The British police force will be disbanded by the beginning of next week at the latest.

3. Millwall FC’s football stadium and surrounding neighbourhood will be bombed into the stone age just hours after we enter Downing Street while West Ham FC will be awarded the Premier League title and the FA Cup, year in, year out, until we say stop.

4. All West London night clubs, strip joints and casinos will go into sole private ownership (ours)

5. Any WordPress blogger caught using ridiculously excessive superlatives to describe the decidedly average output of somebody who regularly does the same for their own tawdry, ill-conceived scribblings, will be dragged into the street and shot…twice.

6. There is no sixth thing.

Finally, we faithfully pledge that anybody that we suspect may not have voted for us will be given a free tour of Big Gaz’s Basement Of Pain-Wracked Regret. (tyre irons and electrical equipment available for hire on arrival). Relatives or next of kin will be expected to collect any remains at their own expense.

We therefore, threaten urge you most strongly to give us your support today friends. If you want to see a Britain where the cosh and the switchblade knife hold sway and where every citizen dives under the table, shaking like a shitting dog every time there’s a knock on the door, then the Gratuitous Violence Party is for you! So don’t delay, save yourself and your loved ones from a beating today!

Vote GVP for a bloodier Britain!…or else!

Clivey (Gaz didn’t have any hand in this one whatsoever. I shot him repeatedly through the head yesterday in a bitter feud over the Rich Tea biscuits. It’s what he would have wanted…trust me)

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3 Comments

Filed under Politics, Satire

3 responses to “There Now Follows A Party Election Broadcast On Behalf Of The Gratuitous Violence Party…

  1. Reblogged this on SOZ SATIRE and commented:
    Well. anything’s better than UKIP I suppose 😦

    Like

  2. alienorajt

    I’d vote for you buggers on number five alone! ‘Ear ‘ear! The Casting Couch Route to Getting On in Writing, I call it – or, to be even cruder (what? moi?) f***ing your way to the top of the heap!
    I’m probably just bitter and jealous because I have never, in my life, managed to keep a straight face and an egregious superlative in the air for long enough to impress anyone…
    ,,.Oh,plus the fact that I am the WordPress equivalent of Phil The Greek (our very own Duck of Edinburgh) when it comes to Diplomacy, and thus alienate other writers for a pastime!
    Now I am off to cast my vote – for a very small squirrel that lives in a dray at the top of a stunted tree just down the road, and which has more sense in its nuts than the bastards who are touting their foul wares, and insincere promises, at the top of the Political Dung Pile!

    Liked by 1 person

PLEASE BE GENTLE. WE SATIRISTS CAN DISH IT OUT BUT WE CAN'T TAKE IT.

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