“Look. I didn’t touch your motherfukin’ porridge so blow it out your goddamn ass”
A shamelessly profane tale of porridge-guzzling folk by The Right Reverend Gary Fukin Hoadley (retd)
Once upon a time, a little slut named Goldibolox was walking through the forest. She came upon a small house and thought, “Hello, I think I will burgle that place”. The little bastard broke a window and crept in. After searching the house and finding nothing, she realised they were working class wankers that must be on the fukin dole.
Feeling a bit peckish, she went into the kitchen, there, on the table, were three pizzas. “What the fuck is that?“, thought Goldibolox; “Is this all these fukin arsoles eat“!
Picking up the first pizza, Goldibolox took a bite and spat it out all over the floor, “Fuck me“! she cried; “Jalapenos! That’s too fukin hot for me“! Next, she tried the cheese and tomato. “Tastes like shit”, she thought and spat it at the cat. The last pizza on the table was Hawaiian and this she liked, eating three fukin pieces, the greedy cunt.
After stuffing her fat fukin face, Goldibolox decided to have a kip in one of the bedrooms. She tried the big double bed, but it was too soft, then she tried the kids bed, but it stank of piss, so she settled for the futon in the spare room. Laying her scrawny fukin neck on the pillow, she fell fast asleep, the lazy bastard.
The three bears arrived home and went into the kitchen. On seeing the broken window, Daddy Bear said; “That fukin window cleaner will have to go”!
Mummy bear, looked down at the table, and saw that the pizzas had been tampered with. “If I catch that fukin cleaner helping herself to our food again I’m going to kick her fukin head in”.
Baby Bear, who was a sniveling little spoilt brat, started to cry; “Daddy, Daddy, some fucker has eaten three bits of my pizza”! Daddy bear, gave Baby bear a clump round the earhole and told him to fuck off to bed.
As Baby Bear walked past the spare room, he saw Goldibolox asleep on the futon, “Who the fuck are you”! he cried. Goldibolox woke with a start, and realising she was in the shit, leapt to her feet. She gave baby bear a dig, and raced past him. Running down the stairs she was confronted by Mummy Bear, “What the fuck are you doin’ in my house you little bastard”! she raged.
Goldibolox stuck the boot in, and laid out Mummy bear in the hallway. Breathing heavily, she realised smoking 70 cigarettes a day at 8 years old was not good. As Goldibolox made her way outside, Daddy Bear came after her with a baseball bat, “Come back here you little cunt, I’m going to fuckin kill you” He shouted.
Goldibolox stuck two fingers in the air and said; “If you can catch me, you fat furry fuck!” With that, she skipped away, never to return again, the dirty little slut.
Goodnight children. Sleep tight x