The School: An Everyday Story Of Soon-To-Be-Bullied Folk.

school bully
“Call me School Bully you snivelling little tic!”
Written by Sir Garfield Hoadley Of Fulham
Wearily copied and pasted from his Outlook email account by Clivey Dee,19.

Scene One: A semi detached house in Hornchurch. Essex.
Father and son sit by the radiogram in the lounge

“Timothy, I have enrolled you at St Bumsteads School For Young Gentlefolk. Term begins in three weeks. Be so good as to make yourself ready

“But Pater, I won’t know any of the chaps there! Could I not stay here and be educated by you and Mater?

“Timothy, your Great Grandfather was a Bummer; my father was a Bummer, Uncle Herbert was a Bummer, I was a Bummer!  You too sir, will be a Bummer!”

“But Pater, can I not attend the local comprehensive school?  At least I know a few of the chaps there?”

“What? And end up like Cousin Marcus?!”

“But, he is a Member of Parliament Pater”

“Yes, for the Labour Party!”

“He owns a semi-detached house though Pater”

“Yes, in Dorking of all places my lad…Is that where you want to end up?”

“No Sir, I want to live in Cockfosters”

“There you are then, that is why you must go to St Bumsteads”.

“And become a Bummer Pater?”

“Yes Timothy, a Bummer you shall be sirrah!”.

“Do you think?…Is it possible that…?

“What my lad? What troubles you?”

“Will I be asked to be a toast rack Sir?”

“Of course! And later on, when the prefects get to know you, they will want you to become a privy bottom wiper”.

“Oh gosh, Pater, it all sounds so exciting”.

“It is Timothy, and what is more, you will have the half-term hols to look forward to”.

“Will I come home Pater, or will I go and stay with Mater and her nurse?”

“That depends. If Mater takes her medication, and there is no hullabaloo I don’t see why not. At the end of the day, I suppose there is no reason why we can not book a room in the asylum for you”.

“Splendid Pater!  Thank you for this chat”.

“My pleasure Timothy, now, can you wipe my arse before you make tea”.

The End


Filed under The League Of Mental Men

3 responses to “The School: An Everyday Story Of Soon-To-Be-Bullied Folk.

  1. Follow me and I’ll follow you back. I’m a bit of a cunt like that.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. garyhoadley

    And now, we shall turn it into a blockbuster film starring Leon Britten as Pater and Jimmy Savile as Mater…but I don’t want to talk about it…



Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s