Situations Vacant: Islamic Freedom Fighters Wanted

jihadi john

“Your caliphate needs YOU!”

An internationally known organisation with branches across the globe has openings for young people wishing to help curb imperialist expansion and to pull the teeth of the infidel jackals.

The position offered, includes exciting travel opportunities to dusty inhospitable desert with no amenities, poor pay and the almost-certain confiscation of your passport and imprisonment should you try to get back to civilisation.

Do you: Spend most of your time in your bedroom, surfing the internet and wondering why you haven’t got a lfe?

Is your: Best friend a bloke with a beard and glaring eyes at the mosque who would be going out there himself, except that he’s a bit busy right now?

Have you: A strong desire to ascend to heaven with 72 virgins, or to have sex with someone other than yourself?

If you can answer yes to all or any of the above questions. you could be the person we are looking for.

Full training will be given, including modules in bigotry, unquestioning fanaticism, beheading (up to grade 3 standard), and amateur video production. A uniform of baggy trousers for the gents, or stylish all-over burqa for the ladies, will be provided at subsidised cost.

If you feel that you are right for us then why not drop in at one of our informal meetings at the address below. We’re there most Thursdays:

Second pile of rocks on the left, just past the border with Turkey.
Syria.

Note: Political/religious/sexual/height restrictions may apply.

Written almost entirely by Gary Moore ‘Churchmouse’ with hardly any pedantic, unnecessary editing by Clivey Dee, 19.

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1 Comment

Filed under Satire

One response to “Situations Vacant: Islamic Freedom Fighters Wanted

  1. Reblogged this on SOZ SATIRE and commented:
    I never reblog anything as a general rule, but this bloke once bought me an overpriced pint in a West London boozer so I feel a bit duty bound, and in any case, I did the edit and the recruitment poster so I owe it to myself godammit! 😀

    Like

PLEASE BE GENTLE. WE SATIRISTS CAN DISH IT OUT BUT WE CAN'T TAKE IT.

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