Gary Hoadley’s INSANE. (No really, he is)

Hoadley (left) meets with Dee,19, (the one with blue writing on him) to discuss film rights to Hoadley’s latest blockbuster skit, while Inchcock (far right) tries to remain upright following a rather stressful visit to the gents.

64 Baker Street. London. Headquarters of the International Nuclear Security Agency: Northern Europe ( I.N.S.A.N.E.)
Captain Scarpet is sitting behind his desk. He replaces the telephone receiver,
and leans forward on his elbows…

“Who moved the fuckin’ desk!?” cries Scarpet as he lay face down on the lino.
“Sorry Captain sir, I was cleaning under your desk” replies Mrs Tumour.
“Look at the state of the peak on me cap!” shrieks Captain Scarpet.
“No need to go on love. Give it here and I will straighten it out for you” says Mrs T.
“You fuckin’ wont!” replies an irate Captain Scarpet.
“I will straighten you out if you talk to me like that again mate!” bellows Mrs Tumour.
“I don’t think so Mrs Tumour, I’m indestructible” says Captain Scarpet.
“Not according to the rumours” answers Mrs Tumour.

A green phone rings. Captain Scarpet answers it.

“Hello, INSANE HQ…Captain Scarpet speaking”……No, there is not a train on
the line…Now fuck off!”
“Who was that?” enquires Mrs Tumour.
“My Mum” replies Scarpet.
“She back on the gin then?”
“No Mrs T, the whiskey” answers Captain Scarpet.
“Why does her husband put up with it Captain?” asks Mrs Tumour.
“He’s got no choice Mrs T” says Scarpet.
“Browbeaten is he, the poor love?”
“Beaten to death Mrs Tumour” replies Scarpet.

Meanwhile, a dark ally in a seedy part of town…

“Was that your foot?”.
“No, it was my ear”.
“What’s your ear doing on your foot?”
“Getting trod on by a great big oaf!”
“No need to be personal”.
“Personal! You just trod on my head”
“I didn’t know it was your head”
“So that makes it okay does it?”
“No…But no need to call me an oaf”.
“You are an oaf, that is your name”.
“Oh, okay then”.
“Now then, we got to go and give that Captain Scarpet a seeing too”.
“Because that is our job Oaf”.
“Oh, I thought we were Tent Men”.
“How many times, have I got to tell you…it’s Henchmen!”
“Who is?”
“We are”.
“We are what?”
“Cos that is our job”.
“Do we get paid?”
“Where’s my money then?”
“In my pocket”
“Because your pocket has a hole in”.
“How did my pocket get a hole”.
“I cut one in it Oaf”.
“Oh, thank you Mr Snide”.

Back in the I.N.S.A.N.E offices…

“Have you seen Captain Blue Mrs Tumour?”
“He is in the toilet”.
“Has he been in there long?”
“About two days Captain Scarpet”.
“What the hell is he doing?”
“For what Mrs Tumour?”
“My prune pudding to work Captain Scarpet”.
“Blast, we have information of an imminent attack”
“I think Captain Blue has one too”
“No Mrs Tumour, I am to be attacked by two assassins”
“Why only two Captain Scarpet?”
“Cutbacks by The Mysterons Mrs Tumour”.

The two assassins arrive outside I.N.S.A.N.E. offices.

“Right Oaf, we will disguise ourselves as postmen”.
“So we can get ingress into the offices”.
“Where’s Ingress then?”
“Ingress, is he going to knock Scarpet off?”
“For god’s sake Oaf! We, are going to kill Scarpet”.
“What’s Ingress going to do then?“
“There is no Ingress”.
“Why say we have to get him into the offices then”.
“I didn’t, I was merely using a…Big word”.
“You know I don’t understand big words Mr Snide”
“Yes, I know Oaf”
“I forgot you are dim Oaf”.
“No I am not”
“Oh yes you are Oaf”
“I am from Witted, and proud of it Mr Snide”.
“Exactly! A dim, Witted Oaf”.

Captain Blue finally emerges from the I.N.S.A.N.E toilet.

“Thank god you are here Blue”
“Sorry Captain Scarpet”
“Not to worry, I must just use the toilet”
“I wouldn’t go in there, if I were you Scarpet”
“You forget, Blue, I am indestructible”.

From inside the toilet, muffled screams can be heard.

“Is that Captain Scarpet I can hear?”
“Yes Mrs Tumour, I think he may be in trouble”
“Did he follow you into the khazi Captain Blue?”
“Yes Mrs Tumour”
“I will call the emergency services then”.
“That would be wise…”

Next week, the assassins get into the offices, and the fire brigade
try to get into the toilet…

Written by Gary Hoadley with makeup and wardrobe by Clivey Dee, 19.

1 Comment

Filed under Humor, Humour

One response to “Gary Hoadley’s INSANE. (No really, he is)

  1. Silly, insane indeed… loved it! Brought a rare smile to mush that did mush! Cheers.

    Liked by 1 person


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