Diary of Events:
0900hrs: Arabic wife beating for the infidel.
0930hrs: Knock the pork scratching off the Rabbi. (No bricks)
10.00hrs: Dorking Tourettes Choir sing; “Come fly with me, you fuckers”
10.30hrs: Guess the shape of the piss stain on Mr Trimbole’s mattress.
11.00hrs: Avoid the raging bull. (Over 70s only)
11.30hrs: Catholic Priest Fiddler’s Choir sing “Only a Boy”.
12.00hrs: The Islamic State Dramatic Society presents;
“Carry On Don’t Lose Your Head”
1.00hrs: Lunch: (Food prepared by the Ebola Survivors Catering Corp)
2.00hrs: Pavement Spittle Washes Annual Gob Off Competition.
(The use of phlegm is not permitted in this event)
2.30:hrs: Chicken Licking For Beginner with Colonel Saunders.
3.00hrs: Dorking Dyslexic Club read; “The Maiming Of The Shoe” by Winifred Shakespeare.
3.30hrs: Over 80s snail chasing competition.
4.00hrs: Pin the burger on the vegan; (No Anorexics Please)
4.30hrs: Fireworks and bonfire by Dorking Pyromaniacs Society.
5.00hrs: Dorking Fire Brigade Nude Motorcycle Display Team. (Ladies will be searched for cameras and binoculars before this event)
6.00hrs Community Singing And Adulteress Stoning (Please ensure your adulteress is not wearing a crash helmet during this event)