Victoria Beckham pictured last week showing the General Synod Of Great Britain how to look classy but sexy during a fractious, religious schism
Newly appointed United Nations envoy and fashionista, Victoria Beckham, has hit out at what she calls the “appalling and outdated” dress sense of Islamist terrorists, insisting that if they were to “smarten themselves up a bit” and start “dressing for success” the rest of the world wouldn’t see them in such a bad light.
In her maiden speech to the UN in Geneva last night, Ms Beckham, 73, was particularly scathing about the Islamic State fighters, currently cutting a murderous swathe through Syria and Iraq, whose full length black robes and matching face masks were described as “samey” and “lacking in oomph” by the star
“Perhaps if these jihadist people were to pay a little more attention to their wardrobe the British and Americans wouldn’t be quite so keen to bomb them” she told delegates.
“If I were in charge out in Iraq or Syria I’d make sure a full range of top name designer clothes were available at all times. It’s a disgrace the way they present themselves in public during these beheadings and suchlike. Where do they think they are for God’s sake? Manchester?
“I went for a coffee with Sporty Spice last week and she agreed with me wholeheartedly. Although what right she has to talk about fashion I don’t know. I mean to say have you seen those shellsuits? Scruffy little cow!”
“While we’re on the subject of public executions, surely it wouldn’t do any harm if the victims were given a decent ensemble to wear before being despatched would it? Imagine being beheaded in public wearing an orange jump suit. Their friends and loved ones must be absolutely appalled. Surely it wouldn’t be too much to ask to kit them out in a nice pair of Calvin Klein boxer briefs would it? They could even offer them some optional padding seeing as it’s their last public appearance. Well it never did my David any harm did it?”
Ms Beckham was unavailable for comment last night and is believed to be in Nigeria, advising terror group, Boko Haram, fighters, on how best to match handbags and shoes with casual evening wear.
The above piece of satire was inspired by the, somewhat surprising, news that Posh Spice was yesterday unveiled as a UN envoy.
Disclaimer: No nails were broken or fashion faux pas were committed during it’s writing, although I was a bit worried at one point that one of my tits had popped out.