Jihadists Need To “Dress For Success” Says UN Envoy Victoria Beckham


Victoria Beckham pictured last week showing the General Synod Of Great Britain how to look classy but sexy during a fractious, religious schism 

Newly appointed United Nations envoy and fashionista, Victoria Beckham, has hit out at what she calls the “appalling and outdated” dress sense of Islamist terrorists, insisting that if they were to “smarten themselves up a bit” and start “dressing for success” the rest of the world wouldn’t see them in such a bad light.

In her maiden speech to the UN in Geneva last night, Ms Beckham, 73, was particularly scathing about the Islamic State fighters, currently cutting a murderous swathe through Syria and Iraq, whose full length black robes and matching face masks were described as “samey” and “lacking in oomph” by the star

“Perhaps if these jihadist people were to pay a little more attention to their wardrobe the British and Americans wouldn’t be quite so keen to bomb them” she told delegates.

“If I were in charge out in Iraq or Syria I’d make sure a full range of top name designer clothes were available at all times. It’s a disgrace the way they present themselves in public during these beheadings and suchlike. Where do they think they are for God’s sake? Manchester?

“I went for a coffee with Sporty Spice last week and she agreed with me wholeheartedly. Although what right she has to talk about fashion I don’t know. I mean to say have you seen those shellsuits? Scruffy little cow!”

“While we’re on the subject of public executions, surely it wouldn’t do any harm if the victims were given a decent ensemble to wear before being despatched would it?  Imagine being beheaded in public wearing an orange jump suit. Their friends and loved ones must be absolutely appalled. Surely it wouldn’t be too much to ask to kit them out in a nice pair of Calvin Klein boxer briefs would it? They could even offer them some optional padding seeing as it’s their last public appearance. Well it never did my David any harm did it?”

Ms Beckham was unavailable for comment last night and is believed to be in Nigeria, advising terror group, Boko Haram, fighters, on how best to match handbags and shoes with casual evening wear.

The above piece of satire was inspired by the, somewhat surprising, news that Posh Spice was yesterday unveiled as a UN envoy.

Disclaimer: No nails were broken or fashion faux pas were committed during it’s writing, although I was a bit worried at one point that one of my tits had popped out.



Filed under Satire

20 responses to “Jihadists Need To “Dress For Success” Says UN Envoy Victoria Beckham

  1. You could have said instead of Manchester!


  2. Reblogged this on mikesteeden and commented:
    Insane satire at its very best!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. sozsatire

    Reblogged this on SOZ SATIRE and commented:
    Spice up your dodgy old lives with this piece of diabolical toot that I used to spam up the FP on the populist blog, League Of Mental Men, just now. Why I wouldn’t mind betting that a whole shedload of “WordPress Family” irritants have commented on it already! Tsk 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  4. This is what you do best, Mr SOZ. Well that and insult your adoring public whenever they’re brave enough to actually like or comment on one of your skits. Clever tactic.

    If only they knew this “I hate WordPress Sycophants and their inane, unsolicited, irritating comments” is actually reverse psychology and you’re actually hoping, no ‘BEGGING’ for them to comment and fawn all over you. I see through your cunning plan and hope everyone else does too.

    Note to all fellow WordPress bods: Please, PLEASE, don’t give Clivey the public acknowledgement and attention he so desperately craves and hungers for.

    Public Warning: Remember a comment a day and feel the satirist’s dismay. A comment a minute and you’re pushing the limit…..while a comment a second and you’ll probably be threatened.

    I’m right aren’t I Cliveypops? *Smiles innocently and moves left eyebrow up and down.*


    • Have you ever considered a career in Britain’s armed forces Touch? I only ask because your bravery seems limitless and your willingness to dice with death almost maniacal in its zeal
      😉 x

      Liked by 1 person

      • I have as it happens. I went for the test to go into the air-force to be an airframes mechanic. Being a person that suffers with severe detail-itus and riddled with self doubt, I found answering the 50+ easy questions in 8 minutes, rather difficult and unfortunately all they could offer me was a place as a dog handler. Thanks for reminding me of that painful and rather embarrassing experience! 😦

        Here’s one especially for you cause you love ’em ‘LOL’ *Goes off sulking*


      • Dog handler eh Touch. Sounds a bit like my mate Tony after a night on the grog at The Orchid ballroom in Shoreditch. Mind you I expect all those ladies had nice personalities.

        PS. Don’t say “as it happens” you sound like a sex beast.

        PPS. Send me the one with the hole in.


        Liked by 1 person

  5. I am insane for agreeing with your views …… 😀


  6. as a foreigner, I never understood all this spice nonsense – but if she can tame the beast with fashion, more’s the power to her


  7. The Founder

    Excuse me, do you work here? I appear to be lost. Do you know where I can find the Pickles aisle?

    Liked by 2 people


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