The LOMM Forum: Rules & Regulations

Good evening! Cliveypops here!

Now then, I stumbled across this little gem from Gaz in the hallowed halls of our forum the other day (we don’t just throw this shit together willy nilly tha knows!)  and decided it was too funny to waste on the miserly, 2567 forum members that we currently boast so I have therefore decided to give it an airing here. The rather brilliant smudge from our own, Artful Dodger, is worth the price of admission alone!  Right that’s it really. Here we go then:


“Gazmoses” smudge by The Artful Dodger.


1# All Members must be a member before posting as a member.
2# Members (Now known as Members) shall be known as Members by other Members, unless they are not a Member.
3# Members must NOT use the lower field.
4# Members are required not to use the lower field. Even if they are not a Member.
5# The lower field is OUT OF BOUNDS to all Members.
6# Members must not lean on other Members wing mirrors.
7# Leaning on Members wing mirrors, in the lower field is NOT allowed.
8# No Back Scuttling in the forum.
9# Back Scuttling in the lower field is forbidden by Members.
10 Swearing at guests is only allowed in the upper field.
11 The upper field is out of bounds to guests.
12 No Hedgehogs allowed in the forum.
13 Members MUST keep Camels on a lead when in the upper field.
14 The Forum is for Members only.
15 Only Members can use the Forum (Except where a guest has a picture of a tractor in the lower field)
16 Pictures of tractors are banned in the forum. (Except pictures taken in the lower field)
17 Swearing is only allowed if a Member makes prior arrangement with another Member.
18 Members must not swear at each other in the upper field.
19 Any Member found swearing without prior arrangement will be banned.
20 All coats must be put on the lower peg.
21 All coats must be put on the middle peg, if the Member is staying in the forum for more than one hour.
22 All coats must be put on the lower peg, then moved to the upper peg if the Member is not staying in the forum.
23 Coats are banned from the forum unless a Member is a Member in the forum.
24 Members may bring a coat if they are not going to the forum but the picture gallery.
25 Coats are NOT allowed in the picture gallery unless a Member is accompanied by a guest.
26 No guests are allowed in the Picture Gallery.
27 Members are NOT allowed to commit suicide in the car park.
28 The car park is out of bounds to suicide bombers.
29 Members MUST sign out of the forum, EVEN if they are not signed in.
30 All Members MUST sign in, before they sign out.

By Order Of Wing Commander Dresden-Bombsite (Ret)
Forum Committee Chair
Reg Charity No 2342098655.




Filed under Humor, Humour

19 responses to “The LOMM Forum: Rules & Regulations

  1. alienorajt

    Bloody brilliant! Captures the completely barking mad rules which all organisations adopt (in order to oppress, confuse and get on everyone else’s tits!) perfectly!

    Liked by 2 people

    • garyhoadley

      Thank you Alien. Not just for liking it, but for taking the time to leave a comment. And you are right, it is a brilliant rule book…Are you a Member or a guest?…Only you should not be standing in the lower field, unless accompanied by a Member, You can stand in the upper field if you are a guest, but not if you are a Member. No Members or Guests are allowed in the lower field.


      • alienorajt

        Heehee! Hoist on my own inadvertent petard there, methinks, Gary. I think I am probably some sort of ghastly hybrid, evidence of miscegenation of the very worst kind – probably perpetrated on the infamous upper field! – that is to say, a guember, or possibly a mest! I’ll bugger off to the paddock which, as you are no doubt aware, only allows tapirs during Super Full Moons, unless they have ingrowing toenails.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I think Gaz’s rulings make perfect sense, logicality and should be copied by the government, the United Nations and Spike Milligan Appreciation Society forthwith.
    Thank you Gaz-tops.

    Liked by 1 person

    • garyhoadley

      Thank you Inchy, I am glad you like the new rules. Have you not read the rule about having Hedgehogs in the forum? I will over look it this time, but please remember to hang you’re coat on the middle peg.


    • garyhoadley

      Marissa, you can not say fight if you are a Guest. Guests can say fight if they are in the bar, with a Member. No guests are allowed in the bar.
      Members may bring a guest into the bar, if the Guest has a Camel on a leash. Members with a Camel may NOT bring a Guest into the bar with their own Camel.


  3. garyhoadley

    As ever, Clive has presented this piece in his unique style.
    I trust him with everything I write, Which says much about his ability as an Editor, Satirist but above all, comic genius. There are not enough words to express the thanks I owe him, for constantly working, to improve my work.
    I just wish he would return the stopcock valve he nicked from my house last week… We are now living in a houseboat.

    And then, there is The Artful Dodger. What can one say, about a bloke, who works tirelessly for a bunch of hooligans, to produce some of the funniest, Artistic, original smudges on the planet, and he does it all for free. If there is a God, one day, my mates will receive the recognition they so richly deserve.

    I know my fellow writers will join me in saying; “Thank You”.

    As a footnote, please leave a comment when you “Like” a piece, it gives volume to your participation in the League Of Mentalmen.



    • “Not enough words” eh matey? Then let your wallet do the talking sirrah! 🙂
      To be fair mate I barely had to edit this one. I found it quite upsetting actually 😦
      I agree with regard to Dodger’s smudge though, it was a real belter 😀 I believe he’s currently working his magic on a skit based around a gentleman who kills people by striking them over the head with fish.
      It’s a funny old world sometimes and no error 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Dear Sir,

    Rules are for losers.

    Best Regards,

    Mr. A.Hedgehog
    Third coat hook from the left
    The Lower Field

    Liked by 2 people

    • garyhoadley

      You rotter! Your Membership as a Guest will be thought about long and hard and this could mean a total ban on the lower field if you bring a guest!
      Wing CommandeR Dresden Bomsite (Ret)


  5. ratty

    I hung my member on an upper peg, and subsequently found myself black balled.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. sozsatire

    Blimey, it’s like The Mad Hatters Lite in ‘ere tonight! 🙂


    • The Mad Hatters Lite
      In ‘ere tonight
      For your delight
      We’ll post some shite
      When you take fright
      As well you might
      Just out of spite
      I’ll post some more

      Oh, bollocks… I’ve lost my muse.


      • No poetry please lads. You’re not in the libertarian environs of The Mad Hatters blog here you know?
        This is a fiercely heterosexual blog for rampant, young, heterosexual people! We’ll have no iambic pentameter nor rhyming couplets here!!!!
        Any more of it and I’ll get Big Gaz to scratch yer eyes out! Hrrrrrumph!

        Yours etc
        Big Butch Clivey


  7. garyhoadley

    Will Members please remember not to talk to each other unless they have hung their coats on the lower peg before meeting in the bar. If you are not having a conversation, please move your coat to the upper peg but only if you are in the bar with a Guest. No Guests are allowed in the bar with a Member while in a conversation with a Member. Unless the Member has put their coat on the middle peg and has signed out before they have signed in.
    D. Bombsite (Ret)



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