Clivey & Gaz In: Invigorating Inchcock

clivey mini me

Smudge by The Artful Dodger

Written by Clivey Dee

Tea and precious little sympathy by Gary Hoadley


Scene One: The Public Bar In The Boyleyn Tavern, Green Street, East London. The Lads Are Seated At A Corner Table.

“Fancy another pint Clivey? It’s my round squire”

“To be honest Gaz I’m too worried to drink right now son. I’ll just leave it at 15 pints if it’s all the same mate”

“Worried? What are you worried about Clivey? What is the thing that is currently worrying you mate?”

“It’s Inchy Gaz”

“Inchy? What you worried about Inchy for mate? The boy’s as fit as a butcher’s dog son”

“That’s just the thing though Gaz. He isn’t you see. He might put on this hale and hearty act on the blog and pretend he’s never had a day’s illness in his entire natural, but in actual fact nothing could be further from the truth mate. In short, the boy’s in absolute shit state son”

“Blimey! What’s up with him then Clivey?”

“Everything Gaz. That geezer is so riddled with plague and pestilence I’ve started calling him Old Testament Inchy”

“Fuck’s sake mate! Who’d have thought it? He always looks and sounds so well all the time”

“Precisely Gaz. He’s putting a brave front on things you see mate. Outwardly he pretends to be in blinding nick but inside he’s an absolute wreck of a geezer”

“So whaddya reckon then son? Shall we take him down the quack’s for a check-up”

“No Gaz, that is not the way forward with the boy in my view mate. I propose that we cure him ourselves”

“Behave yerself sheriff! We couldn’t cure a Lowestoft kipper! We’re cockney toerags not learned men of medicine!”

“We don’t have to be Gaz. We’re going to use holistic medicine to get the boy’s ailments squared away”

“Holistic mate? What, we’re going to drill holes in him?”

“Precisely Gaz. I see this brain surgeon geezer do it on the telly once. He drilled a massive hole in this half dead geezer’s Uncle Ned and a few days later the boy’s hopping all over the gaff like a bastard spring lamb”

“Sweet as a nut Clivey boy! When we gonna do it mate”

“This afternoon son. He’s just come through the door so let’s get a few ales down the bastard and it’ll save us having to hit him on the swede with a mallet later on…OI OI INCHY!… Over ‘ere son. Come and have a few sharpeners with me and old Gaz!”

Disclaimer: No Inchcocks began to feel much better as a direct result of this skit.



Filed under Humor, Humour

18 responses to “Clivey & Gaz In: Invigorating Inchcock

  1. “but in actual fact nothing could be further from the truth mate. In short, the boy’s in absolute shit state son”… how the devil did you know that I got the shi… diarrhoea last night Clivey?
    Brought a rare smile to me mucilaginous face mate. Ta.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. I’m thinking of organizing ‘The Great South Run’ next spring – it will consist of 37 circuits of The Lanes of Brighton (pink leotard optional) and wonder if Inchy will be up for it?

    Liked by 2 people

    • sozsatire

      Running round Brighton in pink togs is not for the faint-hearted heterosexual mate, so I wouldn’t have thought so no.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Well the oink leotard sounds nice, but Arthur Itis may stop me from taking part yer see Mike.
      I tried the Nottingham half-marathon once yer know, but I fell off the bus on the way to take part.
      By the way, yer a film company (Mike’s Majestic Monochrome Machinations Inc.) owner in the post I’m creating at the moment, and you picked Inchy-me as your lead actor?!?! (Cheap yer see). Going to put it on Inchcock later, then LOMM on Monday I reckon.


      • I shall look forward to it having eventually returned safely home robbed of the wife’s IPad by the ruffians of Leeds. The young police officer we called in to try and catch the miscreant member of the hotel staff (most likely that is) was the dead ringer for Peter Kay save for the Yorkshire accent – Shirley wanted his autograph at one point. Not been up north for years and this visit cost me I have just calculated (inc. losses) £796.48! Not bad for a day out in Leeds! Not. Do you think it could have been your muggers out on a days excursion? Have a fine day Sir – I am still licking my metaphoric wounds.

        Liked by 1 person

      • The gits! They get everywhere don’t they. Sorry to hear of your bother Sir.
        I’ve just posted your film making piece to Inchcock. Hearing your bad news has dampened me spirits now… Tsk! Take care, and make a bit of fuss of your better half mate!


  3. sozsatire

    Don’t panic folks! The boy’s in good hands now…

    Liked by 1 person

  4. sozsatire

    Reblogged this on SOZ SATIRE and commented:
    Here’s one I penned earlier. It’s a heartwarming, everyday story of caring, sharing, brain-drilling folk.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Poor Inchy…..he needs your twos help like he needs a hole in the head….oh!

    Brilliant…….not to mention the accompanying pic!


  6. An absolute blinding bit of copy by my mate Clive Danton. And a lovely bit of smudging by the man in the basement. The Artful Dodger. I hate the pair of them…No, I love them…No I hate them…Oh it’s all too horrible…*Sob*

    Liked by 2 people


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