The last time my dad hit me was only a few days before he died. I cried very hard. He said I was a big fat loser and that North Korea would be lost if I were to become its Supreme Leader.
But then he died. At first I was sad, because my dead dad always knew what to do and I was afraid people might not love me as much as they loved him. So my first decision as Supreme Leader was to make a law requiring every North Korean to love me. Then my advisors told me that was not necessary, because the law already said I was very popular.
So I wondered if the law thought I was just as popular as my dad, who had just died. In my first week as Supreme Leader I decided to have an election. I figured if people thought I was so awesome they would all vote for me. Also, I didn’t have any competitors and the people were required by law to cast their vote. So all in all I liked my odds.
But then I figured it doesn’t make any sense to have an election with only one candidate. Plus I wanted to know if North Koreans love me as much as they loved my dead dad. That’s why during my first election the people could choose who they wanted as their Supreme Leader: Me or my dad, who had just died.
I won by a landslide.
There were some people that voted for my dead dad, but not many. Right before the election I had made a law forbidding people to vote for my dead dad. Political experts say that was a smart move on my end and that I reeled in a lot of ‘swingers’ that way.
I’m thinking of having another election one of these days. I’m in a winning mood and I like winning elections.
Your one and unly,
Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, Pamela Anderson, Hulk Hogan, Fred Durst…A lot of people seem to get attention from making sex tapes. It’s a bit of a career boost apparently. I wonder if me and my wife should make one. She said she doesn’t want to, but I threatened to insist. Haven’t made up my mind yet.
This cynical character assassination of a wonderful human being comes courtesy of Lenny Van Ree & Satire Nation.