Another diary entry by Kim Jong Un, Supreme Leader of North Korea.
Last week I had this great idea. I wanted to make a TV show called North Korean Idol. It would be like American Idol, only with North Koreans. And I would be being Simon Cowell.
So I discussed it with my lead advisor, but he advised against it. It made me feel sad. I have like five billion dollar in my bank account. That should mean I can do anything I want whenever I want from whoever I want it. But for some reason I can´t be the star of North Korean Idol, even though I´m practically North Korea´sonly idol.
I asked my lead advisor why I can´t do everything I want despite making more money than Barack and Hillary combined.
“My Supreme Leader,” my advisor said, “with great wealth comes great responsibility.”
“Can’t I just pay people to be responsible for me?”
“That would be like paying people to go to the toilet for you, my wise leader.”
“Hm…perhaps that’s why my father always insisted he never pooped.”
“If you would host your own TV show, the people might not take you seriously anymore. Just look at Simon Cowell. No one really likes him.”
“But maybe we could spice things up. We could execute the worst singers.”
“Barack wouldn’t like that, my Supremeness.”
“But he would watch it, wouldn’t he? I mean, who wouldn’t?”
“But surely you don’t expect any contestants if they know they risk getting executed, my Supreme Leader.”
“I think outside of the box. Contestants don’t have to be volunteers, do they?”
“Of course not, my leader, but…”
“No buts. I want to make this happen. I want to be Simon Cowell on North Korean Idol.”
So my lead advisor left and went to work.
But later that day I realized most North Koreans don’t know any cool songs, because…well, they are forbidden. I figured North Korean Idol would be lame if none of the contestants knows the lyrics to Hit me baby one more time, I’m a slave 4 U or Born to make you happy, fitting as they may be.
Today I told my lead advisor I no longer wanted to do North Korean Idol. Instead, I ordered him to look into the possibility of making CSI: Pyongyang. I don’t think there’s anything Ted Danson can do I can’t do better. Not with my bank account.
But my advisor told me it’s unwise for a Supreme Leader to play lead detective in his own series. That’s when I explained I don’t want to be lead detective, but Supreme Detective.
My advisor is working on making it happen right now.
I wonder what errand I shall have in stock for him tomorrow. I’m thinking something like How I met your Supreme Leader.
Your one and unly,
I really like my lead advisor. He’s friendly, he respects me and he does exactly what I need him to do. He reminds me of Dennis Rodman that way.
This cynical character assassination of a wonderful human being comes courtesy of Lenny Van Ree & Satire Nation.