‘A GOOD THING NOTHING LIKE THIS COULD HAPPEN IN ROTHERHAM’

gerome

JONNY CATAPAULT THE PLUMBER THE ARTISTS ALL TRUST GETS THE RAVING HUMP WITH JEAN-LEON GEROME 

“Watcha mate……you must be Jean-Leon Gerome?”

“I am he.”

“Look we haven’t met before but I’ve just finished installing a new central heating boiler for your old art teacher Paul Delaroche and he said you’d just got back from the Middle East only to find your hot taps to be dripping something chronic all the time you’ve been away – and, even worse he tells me you’re on a water meter so I’m guessing you’ve got a sizeable amount of spondoolies to part with to the old Water Board.”

“Too bloody true…….it’ll cost me an arm and leg……..never mind I’m ‘Francs in’ what with the paintings I knock out selling like hot cakes. So then you are the much fabled Jonny Catapault the plumber the artists all trust, the man with a passion for the ladies no less.”

“At your service mate……..I’ll call you Geronimo if that’s OK…….and yes I am a connoisseur of the female form in all its glory.”

“Right then Jonny before you start can I get you a cup of tea…….I was just making one for myself so you may as well join me.”

“Nice one Geronimo…….a Garibaldi biscuit wouldn’t go amiss either.”

“There you go Jonny, tea and as luck would have it the biscuit of your choice.”

“So then what sort of stuff do you paint then?”

“Me…..well I’m the doyen of the Orientalist painters. Basically from my extensive sorties to places like Turkey, Egypt, North Africa and Palestine even I commit to memory scenes I’ve witnessed on my travels……..you know harems and the merchandising of kidnapped young women in the slave markets…..stuff like that. I utilise a surface narrative to put a woman in a place where the pictures spectators can fantasise about the nefarious pleasures of buying and selling women. I’ve throngs and throngs of followers all gagging to own my paintings. Would you like a peek at my latest………I’ll make a shedload of cash with this one I feel?”

“Too true I would Geronimo…….hope it’s of a bird with her kit off.”

“Oh it is that alright, not a stitch.   You see in the Arab world what with them all being Muslim the blokes there aren’t allowed Muslim girls as slaves so they tend to dabble in a bit of slavery……white slave girls seem to be the object of their desires on that front presently as it happens. Being slave girls they are kept naked so the potential buyers can have a gander at what’s on offer pre purchase you see…….it’s only fair really if you think about it……..anyway here it is, I’ve named it ‘The Slave Market.’ What’s your take on it Jonny?”    

“Um……not sure……what’s that Arab bloke doing with his finger in the bird’s mouth?”

“Oh him…..you see he’s thinking of having a punt and buying the girl……giving her the once over like you would a second hand car, and in this instance he is simply checking out her teeth. I mean you wouldn’t want to spend a fortune on a bit of totty only to find out she’s a few gnashers short of a set when you got home with her would you? And they don’t have any returns policy over there – what you see is what you get….no refunds.”

“Fucking out of order in my book Geronimo…….disgusting. The poor kid has been kidnapped from her homeland had her clothes whipped away in order that a bunch of dirty bastards can buy her like you would fresh meat down the Saturday market just so they can get their end away when the fancy takes them.   Thank God this couldn’t happen in my home town of Rotherham.”

“That’s about the strength of it Jonny…….better than online dating in my book.”

“And you’re making fortunes out of this squalid trade in human fresh?”

“Bundles.”

“Well you are a fucking ponce earning a living out of the misfortune of this poor girl…..I’ve a bloody good mind to give you a slap sunshine…….you’re no better than those geezers in the picture…….no better than a paedophile.”

“Oi don’t talk that way to me……you’re just a common tradesman…..the cheek of it.   Paul Delaroche told me that naked ladies were your thing……how can you not like this?”

“Yes that is true……I adore women…….especially so lovely naked models my regular artist customers employ…….I’ve yet to meet one who hasn’t got a heart of gold…….I’ve yet to meet one who didn’t love her chosen line of work….yet to meet one who wasn’t a diamond girl in her own way……but this……this what you’re doing is just fucking wrong. You can stuff you dripping tap right up your arse I’m off.”

“Well you’re a fucking waste of space then Jonny aren’t you?”

“What did you just say Geronimo?”

“You heard me well enough.”

LAMP…….HEAD BUTT……….LAMP………KICK IN THE BOLLOCKS………KICK UP THE JACKSIE………GEROME IN CRUMPLED HEAP ON THE FLOOR

“Like I said Geronimo, you’re a fucking ponce……….shame about your teeth!”

“Christ they told me you were a living legend Jonny…..just didn’t think like this.”

For those outside the UK who may not get the Rotherham reference please see;

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-south-yorkshire-28934963

 

Advertisements

14 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

14 responses to “‘A GOOD THING NOTHING LIKE THIS COULD HAPPEN IN ROTHERHAM’

  1. Reblogged this on mikesteeden and commented:
    I thought I’d give Jonny a run out on League of Mental Men as this one is arguably topical!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. here I am cheering in Jonny’s corner – but the Rotherham link just wouldn’t connect

    Like

  3. Topical… and timely.
    Thank Baby Hey Zeus I have an English GF and speak the lingo… Gringo.
    Well writ and well said.
    And did I say “timely?”
    You know I did…
    Twice.

    Like

  4. Poor Johnny, I think he’s just a misunderstood arteest!

    Like

PLEASE BE GENTLE. WE SATIRISTS CAN DISH IT OUT BUT WE CAN'T TAKE IT.

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s